chilly.

so i sit here on the floor....

my knees curled up to my chest.

my bum going numb from sitting on the floor.

no lights are on, 

but i opened the blinds behind me.

i cracked them about half way, so the sun in the overcast sky could peek into this room....

yes. i sit here in complete silence on this bit of a chilly morning.

there are birds outside my window, sitting in the trees.

i wonder.

i wonder often.

i wonder how.

i wonder why.

i wonder when.

i wonder HOW it is that i'm here.

imagine a map of our earth from space. 

zoom in.

zoom in to north america.

zoom in to our states. the United States. 

zoom in to California.

zoom in to southern california.

and then again to laguna niguel.

zoom in to our street, and to our home.

zoom in to the dining room window and you'll find me...

sitting here on the floor in the living room, in front of the TV (that is off), with my knees bent and my back pressed against the couch.

that's where you'll find me....

i can hear the sound of the passing jet overhead.

i can hear someone edging their lawn.

(and the toilet in the 2nd bathroom running again).... for no reason. it just runs.

my white board is to my left..... 

i just erased everything and rewrote the entire board.

it looks nice.

it looks organized. (much of which i'm not).

i long to be organized.

i long for this house to have near nothing in it, 

and for everything in it to have a home.

i do wish that, very much so.

i wish for Taylor's room to be the most organized!

I think her room will be my "project of the week."

i just decided that while typing this out.

**writing that down on the dry erase board**

i want to know that i can do this.... alone.

i NEED to know that i can do this, from start to finish.... complete it.

yes, that's what i need right now.

i wonder how i got here.

why i'm here.

what my purpose is.

i wonder why some things that seem so great, flip at the drop of a dime (no, not my marriage or Jason) but things i've done, or have started to do....

you start something that almost seems effortless and it just works....

it works great!

and then the more time you invest in it, the worse it seems to turn out....

that's where i am.... at this very moment this chilly morning....

i wonder where my efforts went wrong....