I'm sure most of us have....
Do you STILL do things out of obligation??
I'm not even going to lie.
I'm totally one of these people, who although not ALWAYS, i sometimes do things out of a feeling of obligation....
sometimes i clean the house out of feelings of obligation....
even if i REALLY don't WANT to clean the house, i somehow manage to talk myself into doing it before jason gets home....
my thought process goes something like this.
"if i worked a few hours away, and have been gone since 430 am, and worked my butt off all day in the heat, and then sat in rush hour traffic to come home.... i'd at least want the house to be clean."
and then my selfish, tired self whines.... "but i don't want tooooooo...."
and then the obligated self says, "quit being so selfish and just clean the house real quick."
and then i seriously like hate myself for like 10 minutes (well at least the obligated self), because she usually wins in stupid battles like this....
and then sometimes, when jason comes home and doesn't even realize that i seriously just fought with myself for like a really long time to get myself to clean the house, and that the house could have been so messy when he got home, but instead, it's clean and smells good.... sometimes i just wanna sit on the couch the next day.... and NOT do anything.... and see if he notices.... (and in his defense, he normally does notice when i clean.... even if it is just a small comment like, "the house looks great mama.")
i guess the obligations kind of go hand in hand with the stupid expectations....
when i feel OBLIGATED to do something, i feel like i am just fulfilling someone else's expectations of myself.... and even if i reallllly don't want to do something, sometimes i just do, because who knows.... i may just really make their day.... BUT sometimes i think i just get angry with myself for doing so....
ACK! i don't know why i do this!!!! i mean, i KNOW why i do this.... what i guess i DON'T know why, is why i can't stop it!!!!
I think it's my thinking.... something like, "your 1 hour of hating to clean the house is so much easier than jason's bad mood for the entire night if the house is messy." (which is kind of a lousy example, BUT that's the example i'm going to use for now.... because.... well, i don't want to put a whole lot of other people on blast in my blog.... who knows who reads this thing....)
one day i'll come around to just putting it all out there (like i normally do).... but for now.... i need to sit and think about this one.... the obligations i often feel for many different people.... i try like hell not to do anything out of obligation, but it's this sick part of me that thinks i'm selfish if i don't just swallow a tad bit of my unhappiness for someone else's satisfaction, and no, not men.... not even a little bit.... i mean like family members.... or friends....
and if you're reading this and feeling guilty, maybe you should rethink the expectations you have of people.... focus on your own feelings and how you can change THOSE, rather than expecting the entire world to change for you.... i try really really hard to change the way I FEEL about things, because, ultimately, that's the ONLY thing i have control of. hell, i don't even have control of my kids.... you know?
it's just something to think about....
i apologize for venting about this.... it's just bugging the crap out of me right now.
13 comments:
Yes, we are experts at driving ourselves crazy. This we should stop (said in the tone of a Yiddish grandma). Life it is hard enough as it is, and there are plenty of people to impart a guilt trip. We need not add to it.
Cheers,
Robyn
I do that on so many different things. I keep trying to refocus to where I'm doing more things out of obligation to myself, but it's not easy.
Obligations tend to crush some people while others, who should feel a tad bit more obligated act like fools. Being one of the obligated souls, I feel like you do.
I do almost everything in my life out of obligation and I'm a little sick of it
The few things I still do are out of obligation to someone else. Never for myself. By the way... mothering is a hard, tough job. 24/7, with no time off for good behavior, and no pay! Shouldn't feel bad if you don't want to muster the oomph to clean the house. Trust me, it won't go anywhere.
OK. Here's the deal, Missy. I know people who do things because they feel obligated to do them and it comes through in their attitude that they really aren't enjoying themselves. I think there is a fine line and sometimes I have to ask myself "do I really want to do this?" If the answer is yes, I jump into it, but if the answer is "no, but I am going to do it anyway and resent the hell out of other people" than I have stopped doing it. People can tell when the intent is not pure.
@RawknRobyn. we DO drive ourselves crazy. only WE know all the nonsense that goes on in our minds.... sometimes we think it might appear more apparent to others.... AND sometimes it is.... i think a lot of the time, i do things without much thought behind it.... honestly, my motto has been "if you CAN help, you SHOULD...."
there are just some instances (lately) that this has backfired.... and then it makes me rethink a LOT of what i do to help....
it was a weak moment, i suppose.
@TS, yes! doing things that will BENEFIT you out of obligation might not be a bad thing.... but only if they're GOOD for you.... not just MAKE you feel good, but are actually good for you.... for me, that consists of.... working out.... getting ahead on schoolwork.... things like that.... do things like that.... things for ourselves that are GOOD FOR US!!!! i'll be your first cheerleader!!! oh and Ms Anthropy is an amazing cheerleader too!!! =)
@sarahjayne, yes obligation builds resentments (at least i think so).... thought most of what i do is genuine, there are some times, when i think that i "should." i've learned that "should" must be taken out of the vocabulary.... that will rid obligation.... and most guilt.... and in our vocabulary it needs to be, "i choose to do this.... " or "i want to do this."
@Ashley. hee hee. i always get a kick out of writing my own name out. i'm lame, i know. see above.... "i choose to do this" or "i want to do this." nothing more or less than that.... it's hard work, but when it is done, it works!! =) it is HARD work!!!
@Ms Anthropy. i used to think being a "full time mommy" was stupid stuff. that it was just easy work and anyone who said "it's hard work." was just lying. BUT i know different now.... it takes a lot of work to be at home and not have to think. honestly.... i wish i was doing more to stimulate the brain rather than physical labor stuff that doesn't require my thinking. HOWEVER, i am NOT the best homemaker... i DO try, but it is DEFINITELY not what i was made to do... that's for sure!!!! and as far as the clean house goes, it's not ALWAYS but it sure is a good chunk of the time.... (at least that's what i've convinced myself to believe).
@BB. you know, i am this way most of the time.... however, there have been times (and family members) that i feel like i HAVE to be there for.... ones i feel like really don't have a whole lot of other people to rely on and if they can rely on anyone, well it should be someone in their own family.... i feel like without me, they wouldn't have much.... does that make any sense? what if the person is older.... does that make it any different? does that change the obligation? should i do something to help them? i'm interested in your thoughts.... you are quite an uplifting and positive thinker....
I used to do all kinds of things out of a feeling of "obligation".
As I've grown old and decrepit, I've wisened up. I rarely do anything out of "obligation" anymore...and I've learned the word "no" can be my best friend some days. :)
Don't you wish you were old and decrepit, too?
I would have commented
earlier in the day
but you know,
that obligation thing
just got in the way...
good post!
ha HA!!!!! i know how that goes. i'm glad my husband was sick.
There are so many times Ive thought these same thoughts.
Anyways, side note! I left you something here
http://www.somewhinewithcheese.com/2010/06/i-talk-lot.html
I'll have to say "ditto" to Marlene. As I've grown older, I do say "no" a lot more than I used to. An incident just came up about me and "MOM made it perfectly clear that she did not want to babysit!" I never said those words, but I guess the way I said it, sounded like I absolutely didn't want to!! Oh, and tone has everything to do with it!!! Sometimes, "yes, I'd love to babysit" will sound like "No, but I will if I have to!"
I used to feel obligated to go out of my way to stay a little later at my parents to wait for siblings so they can see my kids.... I was told that my kid's need to get to know their uncles and aunts....
Apparently I'm also supposed to let them babysit and manhandle my children too....
I don't feel obligated anymore....
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