one of those topics.... those touchy topics....

i tossed the idea around about this blog, and after reading a WONDERFUL woman's blog that I follow, i decided i was going to do it....

I've got to tell you....

last night.... was just eye opening....

The night before last i had a boatload of chocolate before i went to bed, and had nightmares.

i did everything in my power to not have nightmares last night, so i drank a bunch of water, and had NO chocolate. none.

well, i had nightmares.

horrible HORRIBLE nightmares.

i woke up at 337 am this morning in tears.

i was scared out of my mind.

you're totally going to laugh at me, but i sleep with a nightlight in our master bathroom.

i do that so i can somewhat see, and for when i wake up at night to go to the bathroom, i don't want to run into the edge of the dresser going into the bathroom (i've totally done it before)....

don't forget, i'm legally blind, so without my glasses and contacts on at night, i see things.... jason's clump of 6 white hanging shirts in the closet, looks like a floating ghost.

the light from the living room window, shines onto the floor in the master bedroom and i swear it moves, which makes me think that something is crawling across the floor.... but it's just my legally blind self and my warped brain creating images out of stuff, HOWEVER, i do sleep with my glasses on the edge of the bed (the ledge) and i can reach over and put them on quickly if ever i think i see something.... i put the glasses on to see what it is NOT.... and then i feel better, take them off and go back to bed. i know that sounds entirely pathetic, and you all probably think i'm a freakin paranoid schizophrenic.... i'm not.... most of the time.... until something like last night happens....

i had the most AWFUL dream about my daughter, Taylor..... I HATE to even THINK about something like this because it just turns my stomach.... i am SOOOOO deathly paranoid of anyone kidnapping her, or doing anything inappropriate to her.... i've had dreams like this before, and i wake up, literally, crying. jason has woken me up sometimes because i'll be crying in my sleep.... well this morning, i woke up. i turned on the bathroom light (in our bedroom), then walked into the hall and turned that light on.... then i walked into the living room and turned that light on.... i fixed the curtains so that no one could see in and turned on all the outside lights we have.... i went straight for taylor's room, and turned on the light outside her room.... i adjusted her curtains so that no one could see in and then just sat at the edge of her bed....

i ran my fingers through her short hair, and my eyes, again, filled up with tears.... she was sleeping so peacefully.... she wasn't how i'd seen her in my nightmare.... she was sleeping like a sweet angel... a peaceful angel.... and i just wept at her bedside. and i KNOW that sounds sooooo absolutely pathetic, but it was truly a wake up call....

i've been complaining so much about how my kids drive me UP the freakin wall (well, lewie moreso than Taylor, but still).... I just kissed her head and gave thanks that she was alive and well.... i checked on Lewie, and he was fine, and i went back to our bedroom, leaving all of the outside lights on and our bathroom light on....

then i couldn't sleep.

i tapped jason, (who was totally snoring) and seriously asked him if he would just hold me....

he asked me what was wrong and i'd told him i was having nightmares again and he rolled over and just snuggled me into a comfort i just absolutely needed at that moment.... i felt safe.... but my mind wouldn't shut off there....

i started thinking about what parents teach their children about strangers. i'm so friendly to everyone i meet. i can strike up a conversation with anyone and taylor sees this. she is the same way. and as much as i love it, it scares me.... i don't want her to be so friendly with the wrong person that something ends up happening to her.... i don't want her to just trust anyone and everyone, but i don't want to make her paranoid either....

what is the right age to start talking to your children about who to talk to and who not to? who is allowed to touch you (NO ONE!) and who isn't.... i remember starting this conversation with her when she was about 2 years old.... and i've ALWAYS ALWAYS reminded her.... with age comes different ways to reiterate the same message.... and i think it's terribly important that, we, as parents do this! It's uncomfortable, i get it.... it's difficult and we don't know if we're doing it "right" and so we might just put it off... DON'T!!!!

i've covered almost as many aspects and different scenarios as i can possibly cover with taylor.... you hear of all different stories on the news and read about them on the internet.... "man lures child with a puppy" or crazy stuff like that!!! stuff you wouldn't even think about, because you, yourself aren't capable of commiting such a horrific crime!!! but these people, these SICKENING beings exist!!!!

we used to live right across the street from taylor's school. literally it took about 3 minutes to get there, walking, it was that close. so many of her friends walked to school. but i wouldn't let her.... i'm sorry. call me overprotective.... those who know me in real life, know that taylor's not entirely overprotected, BUT i am not one to gamble.... especially with my daughter's well being... there is NO way i was going to take the chance.... i get it.... kids used to be able to do so much more on their own. go to the park, ride bikes to the store, walk to school, walk to a friend's house.... maybe there are more predators today than before? maybe there are the same amount, but we just know about it more via the news and internet and all that stuff?? i don't know. i don't know what it is.... i know that i cannot protect taylor for the rest of her life, but at 7 years of age, i am not willing to hand over the responsibility of her own life's safety and well being.... sure, she can get up and pick out her clothes and get her breakfast and pack her lunch, but that's entirely different than saying, "okay go walk to school and if anyone tries to kidnap you, defend yourself."

this is probably one of those controversial topics, like politics or abortion, and i'm sure there will be many people with many different views.... i'm open to hearing them all, i really am.... like Stacey says in her blog entry "cheerleader," it takes a village.... but we, as their parents, are the ones who ultimately end up making the decision in the end....

it's not JUST a lizard... it's a LIZARD!!!!!

so i'm not entirely sure which "exercise" was more beneficial today....

going on the bike ride with Lewie....

or trying to chase the lizard out of my garage once we got home.

yeah, you'll say, "it's just a lizard ash."

or something like that....

but it's not JUST a lizard!

it's a freakin LIZARD!!!!

do you KNOW where my mind goes when something that i don't want in my area disappears in front of me???

example.

the spider that was crawling in our bathroom today (thanks to jason who leaves our slider screen open in the master bedroom.... the screen does not CLOSE all the way.... do not leave this screen open, as bugs and other wanted crawly things may enter through this!!!!)

anyway, back to the spider by the toilet...

i go to get the dustbuster to suck this thing into the dustbuster where i can smash it to pieces because i HATE spiders release it outdoors and into the wilderness....

spider must've HEARD the dustbuster coming, or the wind must've blown it, because as i got closer to him, he crawled up underneath the back of the toilet and i couldn't see him, and there is NO way i was going to stick my face under the toilet to see him. he'd probably JUMP on my face and bite me or something....

so seriously. i have not used the master bathroom since this incident for fear of one or all of the following:

-spider will crawl onto the toilet seat and bite my butt

-spider will crawl onto the toilet seat and into my clothing without me feeling it, but then later on in the day, i'll feel a tickle somewhere and then suddenly realize something is crawling somewhere it totally shouldn't be (like my butt) and then i'll rip off my clothing and go running down the street or store without my pants, and i'll get arrested and thrown into jail for indecent exposure

-spider will bite me while on toilet and i will die from its poison and jason will come home to me slouched over on the toilet, and how traumatic would that be? only to find out that i died of a spider bite....

-spider would crawl onto my legs and i would get so scared, i'd either have a heart attack, or jump through the glass shower door,

(but then that might be sort of a good thing, because i don't like glass shower doors anyway), but then that's what was here when we moved in and our landlord would probably want her house back the way she gave it to us, and.... well.... i guess it just goes back to being a bad thing.... oh yeah, and i might lose a leg if i did that.

so if that's just a spider in the bathroom, imagine what went through my head when the lizard was in my garage???!!!

i saw him run about 12 inches into the garage... so he was still pretty close to the entrance of the garage. i can get him out with a broom, no problem, right?

WRONG!!!!!

WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG!!!!!

i stop right where i'm at, and start taking lewie out of his bike seat. (the bike will tip over if i don't, and don't ask me how i know that, just take my word for it).

so i'm taking him out of his seat... okay, now what?

i can't get the broom and hold lewie and try to move the lizard out of the garage all at once, so i totally TIPTOE like on the opposite side of the garage....

yeah, i wonder what my neighbors thought of me TIPTOE-ING (i don't know how you'd spell that) into my OWN freakin garage!!!

and then the lizard BAM! runs under jason's stack of 5 surfboards (and surfboard cover that's slightly hanging off the side of the top one)

CRAP!

i hurried inside and put lewie in his crib, put my backpack down and went back out.

still didn't see the lizard anywhere, so chances are, he was probably still under the surfboards....

i get the big push broom off the wall and move the cover off of the surfboards....

i'm mumbling under my breath about how jason shouldn't have just SET his surfboards on the ground, but instead should have put them up like his other ones....

moved the cover....

no lizard....

so i kinda take the broom and tap around the surfboards, thinking he'll get scared and come running out....

nope!

then i start sliding his surfboards around.... thinking i'm going to uncover the lizard....

nope!

(and if jason asks why the bottom of his surfboard is scratched, it's totally not my fault!!!!)

so i'm like rearranging ALL these heavy boxes around the surfboards in hopes of the noise and vibrations scaring the lizard out from underneath the surfboards but to no avail.... he's totally probably like wedged between two of them, so when i move the whole stack of surfboards he's probably like, "weeee, cowabunga dude... ette.... dudette!" and he's probably laughing and pointing his claw or talon, or whatever lizard fingers are called, at me....

i stand back....

i'm certain he was basking in his "lizard scared stupid chick" glory....

i try not to let my mind go "there."

but it totally did anyway....

i am certain that if i do not PERSONALLY see jason scare this lizard out of the garage tonight, then one of or ALL of the following will happen:

-lizard will climb up into the rafters. when i walk through garage, lizard will jump down from rafters and i will suffer major heart attack and fall to the ground. jason will come home and find me in the garage and lizard will be gone leaving NO trace as to what happened (i should probably warn him now).

-lizard will climb into the dryer and i will not see the lizard as the inside of our dryer is dark. i will throw wet clothes into dryer, as i normally do, and will dry clothes as usual, and lizard will melt in the dryer and in my clothes.... i will not even notice this until after i put on lizard melted clothes and feel something reptillian against my skin and once i see what is melted against my butt, i will not be able to remove article of clothing fast enough....

-lizard will climb onto two by four and when i go out to do laundry, he will jump on my shoulder. i'll scream and fall and hit my head on the fishtank that is in the garage that we are trying to get rid of. jason will come home and find me next to a broken fish tank and think that i banged my head into the glass fishtank because lewie drove me nuts....

-lizard will enter into our house from the door that leads from the garage into our house.... he will crawl on my face while i am sleeping with my mouth open. he will crawl into my mouth and, with his feet on my tongue, he will stand up and with his arms, he will hold the roof of my mouth open, and i will not be able to close my mouth, but will taste lizard poop instead....

do you see how horrific this can be?

jason MUST come home and get this lizard out of the garage!!!!

it's not JUST a lizard....

it's a freakin LIZARD!!!!!!

wake up in song.

note to self: do not eat mass amounts of chocolate before bed, as it will give you horrible dreams and make you wake up in song.

so this morning i woke up singing Taylor Swift's "FairyTale."

Full on.... "Today was a fairytale, you were the prince. i was the damsel in distress...."

For those of you who aren't hillbilly like me....

here it is.

=)

an oldie but goodie. (originally written on December 25th, 2009)

so for those of you who know my daughter, know that she :

1. believes in the tooth fairy, santa, easter bunny, etc.

2. loves to write.

3. is nosy (i have no idea where she got it from either) ;)

4. is beyond smart.

and, well, i'm sure there's more, but that's about all you'll need to know for this story....

so.... last night, Taylor gets a paper plate, puts 2 cookies on them. pours a small glass of milk. writes a letter to Santa. also, she leaves him a "helping hand" award. she made him this award.

For those of you who can't read it, it says: TO Santa FROM Taylor Diaz, Helping Hand. Thank you For all your hard work! Keep up the good work! (and there is a picture of a thumbs up on it)

She also includes this letter to santa:

IT reads:

"Dear Santa

I've had a great year. Please try to get my friend Nicolette to beleive in you. If you get to eat these cookies please sighn your name on the line.

___________________

Please tell me a little bit about your life. If you don't want to or it's a secret it's okay."

Anyway.... we wake up this morning.... only to find the cookies? eaten. gone. milk glass? empty. note? award?.... gone. my laptop? sitting on the table where the note was.... moved from its normal resting place next to the tv.... it was "hibernating" and only needed a little click of the spacebar or mouse to wake up.... Taylor was confused. her note was gone, but my computer was there. so we "woke it up," and found this on our screen. my text edit open (Apple's version of notepad)....

Dearest Taylor,

You have been such a good girl all year. I have watched you move to a new school and treat your new classmates with such care. I have watched you do so well in school and work so hard. I have watched you welcome a new baby brother into this world with such patience, and such a loving heart. I have watched you help your daddy and mommy, and I've watched you treat your family so kind. You are a very good girl, with a very gentle heart. I am sorry your friends at school do not believe in me. You don't have to try to convince them that I am real. As long as you believe, I will visit you. As long as you believe, your heart stays young. Never stop dreaming, Taylor. You are a very bright girl. I hope you enjoy your toys this year. Something tells me, you will have many presents from many people. Let's work on keeping your room cleaner this year, so that next year there will be room for more presents!

My life is a very busy life. It is a very cold one too! Christmas Eve is my busiest night of all, when I must visit all of the good children's homes! When I come home, Mrs. Claus is waiting with a hot cup of cocoa with marshmallows and the fire is burning in the fireplace. Forgive me for moving your couch a bit. It was a bit difficult to get in through there. I think your Dad and Mom will understand why it's a bit out of place.

Keep up all your hard work (and tell your Dad and Mom to give you a better pen to write with next time. That pen didn't work.) I took your note with me so that I could show Mrs. Claus.

I hope your Dad and Mom aren't too upset that I used their computer. Please tell them to save this letter for you somehow.

I enjoyed your cookies very much, and was very thankful you left milk. Some kids don't leave milk, and it makes it very difficult to wash the cookies down. I ate one and will share the other with the reindeer. I hope I didn't wake you tonight.

Never forget the reason for today's celebration.

Dream Big, Sweet Taylor.

HO HO HO!

Until next year,

Saint Nicholas

P.S. Your dog is very kind too. Good thing she didn't bark and wake you.

So Taylor, was SO excited! She beamed and exclaimed, "i KNEW there was a Santa, Mom! you need to save this letter or print it, and i can show my friends that there really is a santa!"

Oh, Sweet Taylor.... my life will never get old with you in it.... =)

against the wind....

so you know that beautiful weather we had yesterday?

the beautiful weather that was near PERFECT for a bike ride?

well, today....

today LOOKED that beautiful....

but looks can be deceiving, i tell you....

lewie is screaming, i mean SCREAMING....

nothing i am doing or NOT doing is helping him to settle down....

unless of course i just hold him 24/7.

and, i'm sorry lew, i love you but i'm NOT going to hold you all stinkin day!

so i get this brilliant idea....

the BIKE RIDE!!!!

totally worked yesterday....

so i go to load him onto the bike....

i have crap falling out of my pockets (cell phone, keys, garage opener)....

i need a bag.

i quickly try to think of all the bags i own.

i own 3.

a black purse.

a brown purse.

and a big ol' pink and grey backpack (i don't like pink, but it's for breast cancer, so i'll sport the pink for that)....

anyway.... all i need it to hold are my keys, phone and garage opener....

and maybe a small water bottle, just in case.

i have no idea where i'm headed, but i'm headed somewhere.

somewhere other than here listening to lewie cry non stop day in and day out....

dr says he's fine (health wise) for all you people thinking that something must be wrong with him....

i thought so too.... seriously.

sometimes it's just sooo freakin overwhelming that i can't even find the joy in parenting....

i feel like something MUST be wrong!

so i hop on the bike (with the huge backpack, no other choice) and ride off into the wind....

against the wind....

against the very windy wind.....

and uphill....

and instantly my legs start tightening up....

and i don't know how to shift gears on this bike....

it's totally not where i thought it was....

and so i just keep going....

pedal

pedal

pedal.

up hill....

and the wind is blowing so hard,

my bangs are pretty much standing straight up....

there is some piece of metal from lewie's bike seat that is directly underneath my bike seat and digging into my leg.

i'm pretty sure i've half way severed my left leg off on this bike ride....

i'm a few major streets away from home now....

and the wind is just punishing me....

come up to the next red light and "SIDEWALK CLOSED"

negative.

i'm turning my chubby butt around and going back where i came from....

so i go to turn around and nearly lose it.... i'm facing UPHILL AGAIN!!!!

and the wind is directly in my face.... AGAIN!!!!

How the heck is that even possible?

every direction i turn, the wind did too.

at least i think it did.

well, okay, so it totally FELT like it did....

totally....

i can't even start pedaling.

i feel like i'm learning how to ride a bike all over again.

my left shoe fell off because it hit the bottom of the feetsie holders to lewie's seat....

so i had to stop the bike and fix my shoe....

at this point, i'm frustrated.

i contemplate calling someone for a ride,

or better yet, hitchhiking home.

i started walking the bike uphill, and passed a bus stop "LAGUNA HILLS."

psssh, i should have known that living in a city with 'HILLS' in its name was not one i should be riding bikes in....

or maybe i'm just way beyond the point of return....

it's funny how you leave the house with an attitude like "ha! i'll show YOU to cry all day! i'm gonna take my aggression out on this bike ride!!! i'm gonna power those hills up and down and i'm going to come back buff and you're going to be asleep!"

and then you come home, panting, like, "o.... okay.... sh.... i can.... i can't freakin.... i can't freakin breathe.... wa.... wa wa.... water!..... someone.... HELP!"

my online history course starts in a few weeks.

oh look!

a chicken!

sorry i know that was a little off topic....

but i had to quickly make you forget about how horribly out of shape i was and make you focus on the super intelligent, highly motivated side of me.... i'm taking a course that i hate with a passion....

well folks, that's it.... just remember, i may not be in the best shape, but i'm dang motivated to finish school.

the end.

Summary Sunday

today was a BEAUTIFUL day!!!

but let's start with last night.... Taylor CHOPPED her hair off.

she wanted to donate her hair to "locks of love."

the only way she could do so, was if she cut it above her shoulders, which she was SO hesitant on doing....

i told her that if she didn't want to it was perfectly okay and that maybe next time her hair grew longer, we could donate it then.

"it's completely up to you," i said.

she sat looking in the mirror and looked back at me and said, with the most serious face, "if anyone says they don't like my hair i will tell them that i donated it and it was for a good cause, and i REALLY don't care what they think."

THAT'S MY GIRL!!!! all that i've been teaching her (that other people's opinions don't matter) FINALLY kicked in! honest to goodness, this was ENTIRELY her decision (we've donated her hair once before) this is the first haircut since then.

she is IN LOVE with her new do....

and then i sat back and realized that i just gave my 7 year old daughter, a 30 year old's haircut.... as if looking like a 12 year old 7 year old wasn't bad enough, now she looks like a 30 year old 7 year old....

With her new do, came a whole new attitude and level of confidence (and an accent).... a prissy one.... she is in Heaven....

Also, last night.... the lakers played.

This was the first night that jason decided to dress Lewie up in his little laker's suit that his sister had gotten Lewie back at Christmas, and also to wear his "lakers shoes" that he wears during the playoffs.

needless to say....

the lakers lost.

on to today....

the weather was just perfect.

yesterday we got a bike seat for Lewie and a helmet for him.
today, we all went on our first bike ride as a family of 4, and it was SO much fun.
Lewie's seat is on the back of my bike, because i'd like to get him out of the house during the week as well.
he had an absolute BLAST and ended up falling asleep right at the end....
i took the camera out there to take pictures of him and, of course, RIGHT when it turns on, it turns back off.
"change the batteries," it said....
"grrrrr i don't HAVE batteries," i said back to it.
bummer.
i was really looking forward to taking pictures of "Lewie's first bike outing."

funny, how with your first child, the bike ride would likely have been put on hold.
child would have been loaded into the vehicle and you would have driven to the nearest store for 2 double A batteries, but with child number 2, a quick, "that sucks," and a "oh we have the memories in our head. we'll take pictures next time," and you're OFF on your bike ride.
bummer.
so, no first bike ride photos of Lewie.

taylor went to watch her friend in an Alice in Wonderland play today, so jason and i went for chips and salsa, boneless buffalo wings and a few drinks at On the border's patio (while Lewie slept)
i love days when i get a few extra minutes with the hubby, alone. =)

while picking up taylor, i left my phone in the truck with jason and lewie.
i came back to find that jason had used MY phone and text messaged my sister with "Hey. I have a rash on my butt but i can't see it. can you help me when i come by?"

my sister's response?
"K"

Jason is CRACKING UP!!!!
my sister REALLY thinks i'd ask her to check out a rash ON or IN my butt???
we chuckled about that for a while.

earlier today, we had a conversation about our finances and how we've been doing a really great job sticking to our budget... we're driving through a parking lot and he's just going on and on about how we've come so far.... and i'm looking out the window (to the right), and i'm just kinda nodding as he's talking....
then he said something, that took a second to register, but when it did, i'd had a double take....

"you know, if we just keep doing what we're doing, we'll buy a home and fubu jerseys in no time."


what?
FUBU jerseys?
seriously?
i quickly looked over towards him, only to see something like this:

walking in front of our truck. (picture's from google, not my cell phone, unfortunately).

OH MY GOSH! i laughed SO hard!

he just said it so non-chalantly (sp?), maybe to see if i was listening?

oh man.

it was just a perfect image.... a guy like that walking with his "girl" and his "kid." haha.

what a COOL family!

too funny....

and then a perfect end to today....

Jason fires up the grill (his new favorite thing to do, which takes a few nights of cooking away from me.... NICE!)....

now if only Lewie would

GO.

TO.

SLEEP.

senora ashley's gardening service.

now available for hire.

i wish i would have taken a before and after picture, however, i didn't plan on there being an "after" picture as i had only intended on going up and removing the large tree weed that was now peeking over the top of the fence on our slope.

i don't want to be the "WT" neighbors, however, having NOT tended to our large piece of land, I do feel like this is what we are slowly becoming. ha!

i would have totally gone up the slope to weed sooner, but the last time i attempted to, 2 lizards jumped STRAIGHT out of the leaves and almost onto me, and i jumped back, and started sliding down the slope and almost twisted my ankle and died or something like that.

it freaked me out to the point that i wouldn't even get up on the slope anymore....

BUT, now that the leaves are growing so high up and covering the tall sprinklers on top of the slope, it's not watering the middle of the slope and now there's like a bunch of dead vines and tall weedy looking stuff everywhere.... and then, there are these tall random cattail looking things that just aren't very appealing, and well neither is anything on that area, except the beautiful flowers that are coming over from the old people's community....

but those aren't ours...

so i needed to do something so that when i pulled up into our driveway, i didn't feel guilty about having not been tending to that piece of grass/land/slope or whatever you want to call it....

i was in jeans and a tank and some little tennies earlier, when i decided i'd go up there and get this, now, tree thing of weeds out of there. i was going to shovel it out.... but instead i went with some tiny hand trimmers that would probably cut my finger off if i tried. those things are CRAZY sharp and ended up cutting down the tree thing so i didn't have to shovel it out....

i started sweating.

big time.

then under my eyes started sweating and i knew i was gonna smell like a stinky outside body so i just kept pulling and weeding and raking and before you knew it, i had a BIG "green waste only" trash can filled, and 2 large lawn bags filled ( i think they're the 30 gallon ones?).... there were all kinds of funky insects out there, but half of the slope looks much better.

before i weed and chop and rake the other half, i'll take a before picture and an after.... however this "other" side isn't as bad as the one you would see when driving up....

oh well. i have one HUGE blister right at the base of my thumb. nice place for a juicy blister.

but i've got to say that i'm totally motivated to get out there and do the other side tomorrow.

this is the side that i did (not like perfectly, but it's a LOT better than it was.... there were like trees or weeds and cat tails and ugh....) the dry dirt spots were where the flower type vine things (whatever they were) had fallen over dead and started mating themselves with the viney plants that are supposed to be up there, if that even made any sense.... ha!

(not that is a 2nd flower tree.... there are 2 of them.... that's how long our slope is.... it's terribly long....)

here is the other side that still needs to be done tomorrow. bleh.

i am available for hire.... 100, no 200 bucks a blister.

jason's lucky i only got 1 today.... we spent about 120 bucks so far (got the bike seat for lewie and a little helmet, too cute), so i have a running credit of 80 more bucks to spend.... i think i want chips and salsa and a strawberry daquiri. =)

i'll let you know how that goes. ;)