doooooo iiiiiit!!!

i don't blog nearly as much as i'd like to anymore.

and that bothers me sometimes, but that also means i'm busy, which, for me, is better than not being busy, because when i'm not busy, i'm usually not very productive and end up feeling like funk, and then get all depressed and bug everyone.... even more than i do on a normal day.... ANYWAY....

here i am.... today.

today, SO many thoughts fill my head, that I seriously don't even know where to begin, and that sounds so cliche, but here goes anyway.... i'm just picking a place and going with it.

I'm going to school to be a nurse. whoa! big surprise, right? those of you who even know ANYthing about me, already knew that....

problem is, i've attempted to do this whole "classes for nursing" things since 2002 or 2003.... it's 2 days shy of 2011.... that's like 9 years ago.... and i'm still not a nurse.

heck, i think my nurse's assistant certificate expired....

i've thought about renewing it, but haven't yet.... because that means i'd have to go through the classes again, which mean i'd have to go back to the nursing home, which, right now, i just don't think i'm ready for....

Amazingly, i've had my husband's support to do ANYTHING i want to do.... seriously.

he told me i could do anything i want to do.... psychology (okay, 50 bazillion years of schooling).... he said anything. we'd figure it out financially, and he'd support me.

how cool is that?

i mean that is what we wish for in our significant others, is support, right?

i guess initially i was looking for guidance.... but not now.... i'd like to make a decision and have his support and he's given it to me, fully....

now he's also given his opinions and his concerns and we've worked through those.... for now.

but do you notice, this has ALL been about ME?!

he has a great job.

in the midst of many people being laid off in his industry, he has managed to be promoted.

twice.

in 2 years.

and decent promotions.

not just like little ones.

of course, he's absolutely worked his rear end off....

we have managed to save money almost every week, and we've never gone hungry....

we've had some fun,

and even bought new things.

we moved into a decent size home in a beautiful area.

we, well, i drive a nice car....

he refuses to part ways with his ol putt putt.... which i am slowly beginning to understand.

the girl holds up, what can i say?

she's still running, and she gets him to and from downtown L.A. every single day.

but what about his phone calls in the middle of a rainy night.... that the basement is flooding....

or that they got broken into.... or that he has to work on saturday.... AND sunday.... week after week....

what about the stress that comes with his promotions....

or the decisions he is now held accountable for?

what about the sleepless nights he may (or may not) have because of this position?

does he really ENJOY what he does?

is it FUN?

does he wake up and think, "i'm excited to get out there and work today?"

or is it like, "i just have to go do this."

if you know anything about my husband, it will be this....

he will get the job done....

he may not be smiling and chipper and all peppy and enthusiastic about it, but he'll get it done...

no matter what it is.

if you ask him to do something, he'll do it.

and it may not be the way you want him to do it, but i mean it.... he'll get it done....

sometimes last minute.... sometimes way in advance.... sometimes a few minutes late.... sometimes extremely tired.... grumpy..... on no sleep.... sometimes unshowered..... or forgetting lewie's sippy cup, but he'll get the job done....

and that has worked for him.... his entire life....

but i don't want him to just get the job done anymore.

i want him to be happy.

i am not entirely sure he knows what will make him happy, and i'm not entirely sure I know what makes him happy....

hell, i barely know what makes ME happy....

but i am going to fight like hell to help us both figure that answer out....

helping people (to an extent) makes me happy.

watching the kids have fun, and be excited.... makes me REALLY happy....

like really REALLY happy.

knowing that jason enjoys something, makes me happy....

notice, that the common denominator to all of these are other people's happiness.... what do IIII truly enjoy.

i like a massage.

but not like one i have to get half naked for. i can't enjoy that.

i like one at the nail salon where the girl rubs some super smelly good lotion on your shoulders and calls it a day, kind of massage....

not the kind where an oompa loompa rests her gut, that starts at her knees, on the back of my head, suffocating me, while i'm trying to think of an excuse to lift my head.... (maybe i can sneeze or cough or something.... that way she'll move her GUT off the back of my dang head!!!) <--- this was a true story, by the way....

anyway....

i don't want to live my life as if i wasn't going to die anytime soon.

i don't know when i'm going to go....

i don't know when my time is.

i don't know when Jason's time is.

or Taylor's.... or Lewie's....

i don't want to think about it, but i also don't want to ignore the fact that it is sometime in our future....

i want to live my life, without all of the extra stuff....

i just want Jason HERE.....

seriously.

if i worked full time at a job that i was semi happy with, because it would take away from him driving 15 hours a week in traffic, i'd do it in a heartbeat....

the thing is, is that you don't know my husband.

he is a provider.

he wants to provide EVERYTHING for us.....

EVERYTHING....

he doesn't want me to have to work.

or worry about providing money, or insurance for our family.

he thinks he needs to do that.

i understand it's a guy thing, to an extent, but guys, let the woman help too! (especially if she wants to and wants YOU around more).

don't get me wrong,

Jason provides us with a wonderful life.

a beautiful home.

a nice car.

lots of food.

lots of fun.

but he's not around to enjoy it all with us all the time....

and sure, there are a lot of other people out there who would enjoy the fun with us, but no offense, you aren't my husband.

he is one of a kind....

he's every reason i ever got married.

he literally makes me heart say, "Awwwww" all geeky-ish when i see him, cuz i just love him so so much....

so as annoying as he may be.... there is no one else in the world i'd rather be annoyed by than him....

it's not the "you're so annoying, i don't think i like you anymore," kind of annoying.

it's the "GOSH you're SO annoying right now.... roll over so i don't have to hear you snoring, but give me a kiss before you roll over" kind of annoying.... =)

i hope i always feel this way about him.... i love him to bits and pieces.... i'd even go back into property management if it meant he'd be home more....

is there ANYTHING you'd do differently if you knew you had just a little bit more time with your significant other?

like keep the earrings that he got you, even if they look a little bit too big, just because you'd miss them like heck if anything were to happen to him? (just sayin')....

i ALMOST took those earrings back, but kept them because he picked them out.... and he told me WHY he picked them out.... and i know that i'd wear those earrings every single day if he died, you know?

putting your life into action the way you would look back and say "if only i knew.... i would have done this...." is SO MUCH how i want to live my life NOW.... it's SO hard to do.... it really really is, but it just needs to be done....

so with my huge earrings, i leave you with this....

sit down with your partner....

talk about what it is you guys want.... together....

what you'd do differently if....

and do it.....

now. =)

Happy almost new year, my dear friends.

I treasure you all....