the chronicles of getting to know yourself.... at 27....

so today, i sat in my therapist's office like a big ball of freakin sap.

i just sat there crying my eyes out.

i wish i could say something like "oh it's probably because i'm going to start my period," or something, but really, i'd be lying....

i'm not terribly unhappy.

i don't even think that calling it "UN-happy" would be labeling it correctly... because i'm more happy than i am UN-happy....

i think....

right?

maybe?

no?

okay....

i have a lot of optimism in my heart....

i ACT on more optimism than i do pessimism....

if i can help, chances are i will....

i'll spend the extra time talking to someone who i think needs it rather than studying (like i should)....

however, over the past few years, i've changed.

and i guess i'm not entirely sure i was content with the change, until lately....

i like the change, but it's different.

it's REALLY different and i feel selfish.

and so every single day, i battle these (almost) demons that make me think i'm being selfish.

i have absolutely LOVED helping people....

until lately,

i think about what makes me happy.

ask me any other time in my life and i would have said, "helping other people makes me happy."

have you read my about me?

it says that i'd like to raise happy healthy children.

well let me just tell you, that raising happy healthy children doesn't "just happen."

for a long time, i thought i'd had it made.

that taylor was going to be good, and that it didn't require a WHOLE lot of effort, because she was just "good."

and then the little attitude slowly creeps in....

and there's another one to look after....

and a husband....

and, for Heaven's sake, MYSELF to look after....

who would have thought?!

there is MYSELF to look after.

i haven't ever really, truly nurtured myself....

i've been selfish, sure.

but being selfish isn't nurturing one's self.

taking drugs is selfish (i haven't ever done drugs, however that's still selfish and NOT considered nurturing yourself)....

i've never been given the opportunity to do WHATEVER i want, with support, and actually known what to do with myself.

hell, 27 years later, i still don't know what to do with myself, but i'm learning, rather quickly, what works and what doesn't.

i'll tell you what doesn't work:

-me, overextending myself for people who aren't in a give and take relationship with me....

i've done this for many MANY years.... give give give give. and no, i'm not a saint. i am not looking for pity here, not even a little bit. i have probably been this leech to my mother and stepfather for years as well. i KNOW they are dependable. they usually have sound advice. they will never turn their back on me. this, i know.... they, for most of my life, have been my "go-to" people.

and then there was jason.

you all know this.

he is my "go-to" person now, however, with Jason, there are a lot more options....

he's pretty much left everything up to me to decide....

not initially, however.

he had some control issues, and probably still has the tendencies, but in all seriousness, I make most of the decisions....

we consult each other, but his response is always something like, "whatever you think, honey. you know what you're doing mama."

WHAT?!

i'm so used to being given "the right" thing to do....

and then doing it,

and then if it doesn't turn out right, subconsciously i can blame someone else in my head for it not working out....

or i can at least think to myself, "well, that's what they said i should do, so i did it because they told me to."

and not so much lately....

if something is an epic failure, it's because of a decision i've made.

and that's hard, but then we deal with it at that point.

i'm battling these things now.... like i've said.

i'm 27 years old and still don't know what the hell i want to do.

i've wanted to become a nurse.

but right now, i'm not so sure....

but i don't want to make such a critical decision as to quit my classes and schooling for nursing, because i'm actually doing pretty well.... and well, because i told myself (and everyone else) that i was going to finish this time.

so i'd like to at least do that.

i'd like to at least get through it all.... have the degree and license and then decide from there.

do you really care to know my fears of becoming a nurse?

probably not. (if so, let me know, i'll gladly share)....

so as i sat there in my therapist's office, with lewie crawling around the room, throwing his ball, and laughing, as i cried,

i wondered HOW in the world i had ended up right here....

at this point....

of having been SO incredibly certain of knowing where i wanted to be,

and then all of a sudden having no idea,

and doubting everything all over again.

(not my marriage, just what i was doing in my life)....

i'd wondered how i'd been so sure i would make such a fantastic nurse,

and then wondering if i'd just flat out suck and end up killing someone from a stupid mistake....

i don't know where my life is going....

i don't know where we'll live when our lease is up next year.

i don't know when i'll finish school,

and what kind of nurse i'll make.

i don't know if i'll ever get a paid gig to write anything,

or if i'll ever impact someone's life in a positive way, the way i've always dreamed....

i don't know what the hell i'm going to be when i grow up,

but i DO know that the daily wonders are just that....

they're wonders....

but the wonders can't stop me from dreaming....

and the dreaming can't stop me from producing,

and the producing can't stop me from achieving,

and the achieving can't stop me from dreaming all over again....

so where do i go from here?