walk me down the aisle....

my parents divorced when i was a year and a half.

i'm glad for that.

i'm glad for that because my parents were better apart.

and i'm glad because i don't remember it.

yes, i'm glad for that....

i'm glad for that because my dad remarried a WONDERFUL woman who is still my stepmom to this day, and he passed away 2 years and 4 months ago....

i think we are closer now than we have ever been before, even though she's still in Tennessee and i'm in cali....

i remember the night my mom went on her first date with my now stepfather....

she was getting ready in the bathroom and i walked in there and asked her where she was going....

"on a date," she said....

she was wearing jeans and a BIG baggy BUM equipment sweatshirt and putting her hair up in one of those jaws of life clips that go in your hair. doesn't sound really sexy, does it? but somehow she made it sexy....

she made it sexy and she ended snagging this man... or he snagged her, or whatever.... it ended up working out just right and exactly the way it was supposed to.... they've been together for almost 20 years now.... or like 16, but pretty darn close to 20....

i had a rocky relationship with my dad at times.... one of the most rocky being when i was in high school.... i remember breaking up with a long time boyfriend and one of his friends calling me a really bad name.... i was SOOOOO hurt and called my dad crying... it was really late cali time, which meant it was really REALLY late Tennessee time.... i remember getting his answering machine and trying to spit some words that made sense in my head out onto the machine.... i'm sure all he could hear was, "daaaaaad... *crying*sniffle*sniffle*asd;fadfjadfadsfjfa*crying*...." i remember he picked up the phone STARTLED and asking "what's wrong? what's wrong? i can't understand you when you're crying. so stop crying and tell me what's wrong...."

and so i sniffled one really hard sniffle and snorted like a quart of snot into my brain and tried to explain to him that i was just called a really bad name and it totally hurt my feelings and it wasn't true and well i was just trying to relay my pain to him.... and yeah.... he really wasn't going for it.... as painful as it felt, i was doing a HORRIBLE job getting that across to him.

so instead of the comfort i was originally looking and rather hoping for, his response was something like this, "is that what you called for? to tell me that someone called you a bad name? is it true?"

me: "no."

dad: "then why are you so upset about it? you can't call here in the middle of the night when i have to get up for work tomorrow. i thought something happened to ya." (he has a southern accent)

so, NOT getting the support that i was looking for, we hung up after i apologized and then i sat there feeling even more like crap.... this night was just terrible.... and i'd realized that NO ONE understood my feelings....

but there was my stepdad (and my mom who was pretty good at it, but we must not have been getting along at the time, or she wasn't home or something, i don't know why i didn't go to her).... now my stepdad.... he is a great great man.... he is a man that i admire and love with all of my heart....

i remember dreaming of my wedding day since i was little.... and i remember thinking about my dad walking me down the aisle, and then slowly came to the realization that he would likely not be around IF and whenever i DID decide to get married, because i was pretty certain that it was no where in my future.... (until i met jason).... HOWEVER, when i was younger, i remember asking my mom if she would wear a tuxedo and walk me down the aisle because she had always been "my dad".... and then when my stepdad came into the picture, i remember exactly where i was when i had asked him if HE would walk me down the aisle whenever i got married (mind you, i was really young).... we were driving down the freeway, passing a large park back in our old neighborhood.... i remember asking him if he would walk me down the aisle if i ever got married.... of course he accepted.... and gladly. he even said he'd be honored to.... wow. so glad that was resolved....

then.... december 6th, 2008 came.... it was my wedding day.... and i don't know WHY i hadn't thought much about who was going to walk me down the aisle.... in fact, there was only immediate family there and i wanted them to all be able to watch our wedding ceremony, so i had almost planned on walking MYSELF down the aisle.... (and my dad really was kind of there, because the necklace i'm wearing holds some of his ashes, how cool is that?.... oh and you can click on the pictures to see what i'm talking about... they get bigger)

i was standing in the back, ALMOST ready to go.... when i thought about asking my stepdad to come and walk me down the aisle, but i couldn't help but to think about years before that, being SUPER young and asking my mom to walk me down the aisle, and although i was feeling INCREDIBLY torn in the back, by myself, i asked the wedding planner if she could please go get my mother.... (who was already seated with my wonderful stepdad, and next to a picture of my father, who's in Heaven, and my lovely stepmother)....

i had a gazillion flashbacks of myself (as a child) and my mother and what an amazing woman she is and pretty much has been.... we had been through SOOOOO much together.... she was ALWAYS there supporting me.... even if she wasn't always the happiest person, or the most affectionate person, she ALWAYS had my back,(well, except when i ditched school and she told them that i was supposed to be at school so go ahead and do "whatever they needed to do" with me) and i knew that... i remember our agreement that SHE was going to walk me down the aisle and i couldn't go back on that.... she came back there to the back room and asked what i'd needed and i told her (trying to fight all my tears) that i wanted her to walk me down the aisle as we had originally planned years ago....

and we both got all watery eyed and of course she agreed.....

and the doors opened.... might i add, that this had to be THE greatest feeling in my life.... the most certain i'd ever been about anything in my life.... walking arm in arm with my mom, down an aisle that had rose petals dropped by the best daughter in the world (well next to me of course)....

down the aisle to the most handsome man i've EVER laid eyes on.... i mean, literally, my heart was skipping beats, or more like double beating when those doors opened.... my eyes INSTANTLY filled with tears.... and i had never been more certain about ANYTHING, than i was about walking down that aisle and promising to love that man for the very rest of my existence....

so, my mom walked me down the aisle, and gave me away.... i'm SO glad my last minute instincts (which i'm really good at... procrastinators are good at that last minute instinct stuff) kicked in and i'm SUPER glad she walked me down the aisle.... when i look back, maybe i should have had them BOTH walk me down the aisle, but then my side would have pretty much been empty (well there WERE other people there, but still).... i kinda wanted to see their faces when i came walking out, you know? but i didn't even look at their faces, because i was so focused on jason and not stepping or tripping on my dress.... and i was wondering where all the cameras were that were videotaping us and showing us live on the internet.... that made me kind of nervous but was so much better than walking down an aisle in front of like 250 people... i was totally famous, like in japan, tennessee, ohio, shoot.... i was a movie star for the night, (okay, so not really, but they COULD have watched).... =)

anyway.... here's a group picture.... a fun one. of our wedding night.... this picture holds my heart, for sure.