i've seen this side before.

you loaded up your weapon,

as if you'd gone to war.

but i sat there un-armed,

i've seen this side before.

you throw on your coat of armor,

and attach your helmet tightly.

none of that is needed,

i promise to go lightly.

you begin to fire weapons,

the words, they cut like knives.

they trigger all my hurt inside,

for all of them are lies.

you straighten your helmet,

and reach over for more.

"ammo!" you yell,

and we stand back,

watching you beg for more....

do we put on our armor?

attach our helmets tightly?

do we, now, break our promise,

when we said we'd go lightly?

i stand their un-armed,

and slowly cut the strings,

that attach your heart to mine,

it's just one of those things.

i know you believe the intention,

was never anything real.

i know you want to believe,

that i'm jealous, still.

you loaded up your weapon,

as if you'd gone to war.

but i sat there un-armed,

i've seen this side before....

obligation.

Have you ever done stuff out of obligation??

I'm sure most of us have....

Do you STILL do things out of obligation??

I'm not even going to lie.

I'm totally one of these people, who although not ALWAYS, i sometimes do things out of a feeling of obligation....

sometimes i clean the house out of feelings of obligation....

even if i REALLY don't WANT to clean the house, i somehow manage to talk myself into doing it before jason gets home....

my thought process goes something like this.

"if i worked a few hours away, and have been gone since 430 am, and worked my butt off all day in the heat, and then sat in rush hour traffic to come home.... i'd at least want the house to be clean."

and then my selfish, tired self whines.... "but i don't want tooooooo...."

and then the obligated self says, "quit being so selfish and just clean the house real quick."

and then i seriously like hate myself for like 10 minutes (well at least the obligated self), because she usually wins in stupid battles like this....

and then sometimes, when jason comes home and doesn't even realize that i seriously just fought with myself for like a really long time to get myself to clean the house, and that the house could have been so messy when he got home, but instead, it's clean and smells good.... sometimes i just wanna sit on the couch the next day.... and NOT do anything.... and see if he notices.... (and in his defense, he normally does notice when i clean.... even if it is just a small comment like, "the house looks great mama.")

i guess the obligations kind of go hand in hand with the stupid expectations....

when i feel OBLIGATED to do something, i feel like i am just fulfilling someone else's expectations of myself.... and even if i reallllly don't want to do something, sometimes i just do, because who knows.... i may just really make their day.... BUT sometimes i think i just get angry with myself for doing so....

ACK! i don't know why i do this!!!! i mean, i KNOW why i do this.... what i guess i DON'T know why, is why i can't stop it!!!!

I think it's my thinking.... something like, "your 1 hour of hating to clean the house is so much easier than jason's bad mood for the entire night if the house is messy." (which is kind of a lousy example, BUT that's the example i'm going to use for now.... because.... well, i don't want to put a whole lot of other people on blast in my blog.... who knows who reads this thing....)

one day i'll come around to just putting it all out there (like i normally do).... but for now.... i need to sit and think about this one.... the obligations i often feel for many different people.... i try like hell not to do anything out of obligation, but it's this sick part of me that thinks i'm selfish if i don't just swallow a tad bit of my unhappiness for someone else's satisfaction, and no, not men.... not even a little bit.... i mean like family members.... or friends....

and if you're reading this and feeling guilty, maybe you should rethink the expectations you have of people.... focus on your own feelings and how you can change THOSE, rather than expecting the entire world to change for you.... i try really really hard to change the way I FEEL about things, because, ultimately, that's the ONLY thing i have control of. hell, i don't even have control of my kids.... you know?

it's just something to think about....

i apologize for venting about this.... it's just bugging the crap out of me right now.

WHAT was i thinking?!

i think i really did it this time.

i registered for a history course for this summer.

it was the only course available this summer that would count towards my degree that would even be worth taking....

however, summer courses are 8 weeks.

a normal semester is 16....

it's half the amount of time for the same amount of credits.... on a topic that i am CLUELESS about....

what did i do in history class, you ask??

i slept.

i drooled in my books and slept.

it wasn't my fault.

i had the most BORING, monotone teachers who would put videos on....

first of all, if you put any video on, it's about 99% certain i'll fall asleep.

now if it's in black and white, and someone narrating pictures in a monotone voice....

it's like 107.5% certain i'll fall asleep.

i FIGHT staying awake in movie theaters, mmmk?

so my husband learned early on, to save the money and wait 'til the show is on cable....

we'll fall asleep watch it then....

WELL.

now i'm determined dammit!

i have NO idea what the hell history has to do with Nursing,

but whatever.

it's required.

and as much as i hate the idea of taking this course,

i'm doing it

and as much as i want to just go to my school's website and log in and click "drop" next to my class, i'm not going to....

that's too easy.

i've always had it easy.

i've always taken the easy way out (well, except in many stupid relationships, but whatever)

so here i am....

with earphones in my ears, listening to video after video of history stuff....

i'm fighting like hell to understand this stuff....

jason and i bickered back and forth this morning.

jason: "what's there not to get? it's not theory. you just have to remember it."

me: "that's the whole thing.... i DON'T remember it."

jason: "what don't you remember?"

me: "i don't remember ANYTHING!"

jason: "well what can you do about that?"

me: "I DON'T KNOW! IF I KNEW, I WOULD HAVE DONE IT LIKE 15 YEARS AGO!!! DUH!".... "what does ecology mean?"

jason: "the study of e-coli."

way to break the ice....

just to give you an idea of how this course is moving along....

Week 1 (this week):

-read 130 pages from textbook. (chapters 1-4)

-begin reading "The Jungle" by upton sinclair

-read all 4 super huge, long readings online (he supplies links)

-watch 4 powerpoint presentations

-read professor's lecture notes (14 pages typed)

-study and KNOW all 8 pages of study guide questions (answers can be found in ANY of the above and below assignments)

-watch 12 videos ranging from 10-30 minutes each

-answer the discussion board question which must be at least 2 paragraphs, and then respond to at least 2 other student's discussion board thread and that, too, must be at least 2 paragraphs....

-all answers must be cited (so you can't just say, "because i remember this from 10th grade." or "because that's what my stepdad told me.".... DANG it!!!!)

and he didn't put the study guide questions in any particular sequence. in fact, i'm pretty sure that when he typed them out, he clicked some magical button that said something like "scramble the shit out of these questions so they'll have to watch a video, go to chapter 4, back to the lecture notes, and then rip their hair out"....

i'm all over the place, and likely will be for the next 8 weeks....

oh, and on a side note, i also accepted a freakin coffee shop job on monday too.

what was i thinking?

after posting this whole, "what would you do if money didn't matter" thing got me thinking....

coffee shop.... that would be fun.... i could get a little break.... have a tiny bit of extra money.... and FREE COFFEE, YUM! (that would save me a little bit of money. nevermind how much. it's ridiculous what my frappuccino addiction costs us....

soooo, when starbucks asked if i wanted to work there (being that i go there 7 days, yes SEVEN days a week), i said, "SURE!"

gotta get back at the online course....

oh wait.... what's that??

it's LEWIIEEEEEEEEEE....

crying.....

i really don't know what i was thinking....

oh, that's right.

i wasn't!!!!

awwww (snap) - unsmooth moments.

she thinks you're perfect (for her roommate).

-there's a ton of these on my husband's ultra cheap beer cans....

intense.

it's an intense day, today, on the other side.

my husband doesn't need to beat me. i beat myself.

remember that 7000 lb tv i moved the other day.... alll by myself from the back of my truck, up my driveway and to the very tip of the garage (as i was NOT going to move it ANY further than necessary)

(click on the picture to see the bruises....)

the flash went off, so you can't see them as good as you can in person... lean AWAY from the computer to see them better, and i just realized it looks like i peed my pants. i'm pretty sure i didn't....

so, as it is shorts season, i'm pretty certain that when i wear these out in public with jason, people probably are giving him the stink eye assuming that he has likely caused me this harm.... and that i had to come up with this horrible story about lifting a super heavy tv all by myself out of the back of the truck which caused the bruising.... at least i didn't say i fell down the stairs.... cuz i really DID do that last october.... does anyone remember that?? concrete stairs at the airport picking up my stepmom in the rain, when i forgot my cell phone and lewie was like 3 months old and instead of breaking my fall, i held on tight to him and instead fractured my tailbone as i slid down FIVE concrete steps.... yeah. hiiiii everyone!!! those stupid "coverup stories.?" they're not cover ups here.... they're REAL!!! i am THE CLUMSIEST SOUL YOU WILL EVER MEET!!!! i could tell you SO many more clumsy stories about myself.... but that would be far too long of a post for right now....

actually i WILL tell you more clumsy stories....

when i was younger, we did this walk/parade type thing for the troops during the gulf war.... i was young.... and walking....

walking proud along the streets of my hometown.... i'm walking, looking to my left, cheering and chanting, when i decide that i should PROBABLY look forward in order to prevent *BAM* running into a pole.... yeah.... looked forward a little too late.... smashed RIGHT into a freakin pole. a street light. smashed my glasses all up in my face and i cried. hard. and loud..... i'm pretty sure i embarrassed the crap out of myself mom.... but whatever.... i don't remember what happened next.... i probably blacked out and was like rushed to the hospital and was declared a hero for being injured while marching for our troops or something... or maybe my mom just marched me home. i can't remember....

i'll save the rest for some other time.... timessssss.s.s..... there are multiple clumsy times....

cheeks.

so ya'll know I had my wisdom teeth removed on Friday.

and the stink and swelling are slowly going away....

but not without melting my headboard last night (per Jason).

and not without Lewie making the farting noise in my face, as if to tell me he was not kissing my butt.... although it was my face....

and the swelling.... just looks funny.

looks like I'm hoarding nuts in my mouth....

....like a squirrel, you perv.

so tonight i go to put Lewie's laker sweats on for bed.

jason yells, "noooooo!!!! those are his laker pants.... for tomorrow night!!!!"

i THROW the pants across the living room, dramatically, and yell back, "THEN GET ME A PAIR of sweats he CAAAAAN wear!!!!!!!"

he gets up in my face and says, "don't give me attitude!!!! i'll smack those fat cheeks of yours!!!! and NOT the ones you're sitting on either!!!"

buuuuuuurrrrrnnnnn....