my.grain.

I have a horrible migraine.... It hurts so much so that I'm contemplating when the "moment" will come when I'll throw the blankets across the bed, dramtically uncovering jason (who is sleeping in his underwear.... Don't be jealous). I'm afraid that I'll be snuggling with the toilet rather than my husband tonight....
Which brings be to the porcelain God or Goddess....

You know that feeling when you KNOW you're going to throw up, but you just haven't reached it yet.... The point when your mouth starts salvating (is that even a word, or the correct spelling?) Where your mouth is just watering profusely, because the vomit is like slowly working its way from the stomach acid churning in your stomach... It's like pressing the rewind button on your peristalsis.... It's like throwing your esophagus into reverse, and your esophageal sphincter is just waiting for the acid (and whatever else is leftover in there....) In my case, some peppermint white mocha frapp, 3 quarters of a steak taco from La Salsa, some double brownie madness chunks, lots of ice water and about 76 mg of imitrex (I bit it unevenly).... All of it is just waiting and fighting to make its grand entrance into the toilet.... And just when you hit that point where you KNOW you'll feel better once you hurl, you find yourself hopelessly draped over the toilet seat like a dryer sheet stuck in your pant leg. You're wrapped around the toilet seat, staring into your dog's waterbowl (not your dog? Oh.... Mine either.) Do you ever do that thing where you dry heave and think, "oh here it comes!!!!" And then you stop.

And then it's like, "ohhhh this one is it!!!" *dry heave* and still, nothing....

Or am I the only one who, once I am over the toilet, just wants to puke and start feeling better already, so you start imagining all the butts that sit on the seat.... And then what they do while they're sitting there.... Farting.... Into the toilet water that your face is now so close, you could almost drink it.... Or pooping out 2 day old pot roast and rotten milk. Well, it wasn't rotten when they drank it, but now it's rotten.... And full corn kernels.... Or ice cream.... Or 16 beers.... Ew.... Do you ever think that people poop right after they've peed in there and it MIGHT have splashed up onto the seat that your face is now touching?

No?? Yeah I don't either.... I was just wondering if there were any weird, sick people out there....

Glad I'm not weird or disgusting....

bad day.

okay, so i don't like to REALLY complain.

most of the time i can joke myself out of a bad mood and/or day, but today.

today i am just grumpy.

and i don't need the pity, i just needed to vent.

i went to sleep with an upset stomach last night.

likely caused by the CHOCOLATE that i INSISTED on eating....

because staring chocolate in the face, and weighing out the option of possibly an upset stomach or nightmares.... chocolate totally won.

then as i'm trying to fall asleep.

i can't.

so i'm squinting at my phone, reading facebook status updates because that usually makes me want to go to sleep.....

until i read something about the grim sleeper finally being arrested after 20+ years and 11 murders later.... he lived close to a few of my friends.

WEIRD!

i didn't know who the "grim sleeper" was, so i googled him.

bad idea.

then i really couldn't go to sleep.

KNOWING that i had eaten chocolate and that USUALLY everytime i eat chocolate i get nightmares, now i was just doomed...

and then you know what happened?

i went to sleep with my glasses on.

i didn't want to take them off, because then i couldn't see if some grim sleeper came walking into my room in the middle of the night....

so i slept with my glasses on, scared. lol. it wouldn't have been so bad if jason didn't fall asleep before me, but he totally does....

and then i had a nightmare, that likely only lasted about 12 seconds, but it felt like it was going on for 2 days....

i dreamt, no, nightmared, that i was in school.... and that some guy had broken into my house (which was somehow attached to my school that i was in) i know it doesn't make sense, but this is just how dreams/nightmares work out. so i was in my bedroom/school, and this guy breaks in and tells me he is going to kill me. and this is right after jason left our bedroom/school to go somewhere and told me i would be safe. and all i could think about was how horribly guilty he was going to feel once this guy killed me and he came back to find me dead.

this guy started pushing down on my throat and i just remember thinking, "just close your eyes.... hopefully he'll stop." then next thing i know (in my dream), i'm lying outside on the lawn.... and the guy has locked himself inside the school and there is a swat team surrounding the school and everyone has guns.... except for me.... and there is a helicopter flying around the school really low.... and the "swat" guys looked like they could be the "bad guys" and i thought i was going to get shot.... do you know how scary that feels when you're sleeping? like you are totally going to get shot at any moment, and you don't know who's going to shoot you?

so i was lying there in the grass, face down, and i told myself again, "just close your eyes and that way if someone shoots you, you won't even know it's coming." it was SUCH an awful feeling!!!! but i couldn't wake myself up.

so i woke up with a stomach ache (from the night before)

and felt all out of sorts from the dream/nightmare....

lewie is being an absolute animal and has been for the past week getting 6 new teeth in, all at once, and so, that hasn't been pleasant for me anyone.

it wouldn't be so bad if he just kinda whimpered or whatever, but he is SOOOOO LOUD, it makes MEEEE want to scream louder than HE does.... and i'm not even breaking teeth, but feel like i SHOULD BE!

anyway.... so i go get starbucks before my migraine kicks in, and while i'm slowly backing into a parking spot (yes backing in, because the parking lot is set up SO stupidly), i get lost in remembering a part of my nightmare and bump into the post!!!! that is the FIRST time i have bumped into ANYTHING in my truck! GREAT! i didn't even want to get out and look. i was scared about what it would look like.

but i got out and looked anyway....

and looked harder....

and closer....

and there really wasn't anything.

PHEWF!

so i got starbucks and then headed over to get my oil changed.

quick and easy and painless, i thought....

until they didn't have any other customers, so of course they're going to "recommend" that i need a whole new, oh, EVERYTHING.... dude, my truck is still new....

"why don't you just write down all of your recommendations and i'll have my husband look over that list. i don't want to deal with any of that right now. i just want my oil changed," i said. now i know everyone's business is slow with the economy and everything, and everyone's just trying to make an extra buck here and there (and all the time).... BUT i am also trying to SAVE a buck (or $700) and with all of their recommendations, and lewie's crying and taylor's little attitude, because she didn't get a starbucks drink, i was on the verge of telling them where they could shove my dirty air filter.

.... but i didn't.

my eyes just filled with tears, because when i get mad, that's what happens.

it's stupid, i know.

BUT that is the EASIEST i have EVER gotten out of any car place before.

then i go back to the mall by our house to go birthday present shopping for friend's children whose birthday parties are this weekend.... again....

i just went shopping yesterday but didn't find everything i needed. so back we went.

lewie suddenly thinks he's spiderman and can twist and climb until he is ALMOST out of his stroller and that's having his STRAPPED IN TIGHTLY! he's NUTS i tell you!

get the present and come home.

i KNOW i must produce results soon or i'm going to sit around feeling terribly grumpy for the rest of the day....

so i edged the lawn.

and then mowed it.

and then started pulling weeds.

and then ALMOST picked up a dog terd, when i remembered i was supposed to remind taylor that she needed to pick up the dog poop today....

(i hate that i have such a terrible memory, but am thankful that i remembered)

so i reminded her that she needed to pick up the poop, which she procrastinated on, and was outside for OVER AN HOUR.... crying, louder and louder because there were "weird bugs" everywhere.

(weird bugs= 4 flies, a bumble bee, 7 ants, 2 pincher bugs, and a partridge in a peartree.)

she was SO upset....

not because of the bugs, but because she had to pick up dog poop.

i love the girl and boy, but i could have very well thrown them over into my neighbor's yard today.... and well, lewie could have spent the last week there without me minding one bit.

as tired as i am today, and as grumpy as i feel, i am actually looking forward to going to work.

staying with a screaming child becomes exhausting when you do it every. single. day.

i actually want to go in early today....

i'd even work for free....

Birthday Weekend pt.1 Sushi Fest.

We arrived at the sushi place. I was hungry and had fully starved myself up to this point.

All of the cells in my body were shriveled up and starving at this point.

In fact, I'm pretty sure that half of them were dead.

(no Jason's not expecting. it's just something I do everytime we go to take a picture, weird huh?)
(the studman, with his hat backwards, ready to do some damage.... we were ready.... or so i thought.... and there's T. She's always ready to eat. and there's Buymebarbies!!)

(even Lewie was ready.... he unbuttoned his top button, thinking he'd let some of the chest hairs flow around in the wind like lots of the foreign men do, until he realized he didn't have any chest hairs, his gold chain broke, and he wasn't really foreign.)
There's poppa (Pat) advertising for the raw octopus legs (or something like that), and my younger sister (YS) and her marc anthony look alike.
(I'm pretty sure this was taken before I devoured 6 rolls to myself. i told you guys.... i wasn't messing around.... I WANTED SUSHI!!!!!!)
(buymebarbies and poppa tillett) love them!
my stud man and i. (not a soul in this world i could love more!!!!)
Pat and i. (we even joked about taking a picture for our blogs!!) seeeee!!! we think about you guys even when we are out to dinner!!!!
seriously, i hope my heart skips beats like this forever, because i am constantly falling in love with him over and over and over again.... look at how handsome he is!!! (happy birthday to me!!!! hubba hubba!!!)
taylor and mommy!! (and marc anthony's floating hand)
just like on jason's birthday, when they shut all of the lights off and sang, they did the same for mine. honestly, i just thought the power went out.... i was looking all around and the entire restaurant began singing!!!! so cool!!! (until the guy almost lit my hair on fire.... um, hello! that BIG SEXY hairspray is FLAMMABLE!!!!!)
Lewie started screaming as everyone sang and cheered.... so i made this face (above) to try to calm him down.... i'm pretty sure he just screamed louder.... and this picture was taken with our *old* camera (the flash is too bright) and therefore you cannot see the wonderful dessert plate that was made up.... (notice the wine glass is full. no time for wine; time for SUSHI!!!)
my beautiful mother.... it's the japanese genes that carry such beauty.....
oh wait, did i say something about beauty? i meant BOOOOOOTY!
THIS is what overeating will do to you!!!! i seriously only drank water to keep enough room for the sushi.... and by the looks on our faces, we were the only 2 who reached this point of craziness, and we were the only 2 who ordered enough to feed a starving family.... so, it HAD to be the sushi!!!! (our left eyes have a mind of their own)

I hope everyone has as joyous of a week, as i did weekend!!! =)

Thank you for all the "Happy Birthdays"!!!! Ya'll are wonderful!!!!

never trust a man in diapers who tells you he's okay to drive....

i knew we should have called a cab when he started drinking.... milk.

"MOM! c'mon!!! i'll drive you anywhere you wanna go!!!!" he said.... look at that smile!! how could i resist!
"get in the car, paparazzi," he grumbled under his milk breath.

"Lewie!!!! Keep your eyes on the road!!!!" I squealed.

"WATCH OUT FOR THE PUUPPPPPYYY!!!!!"

luckily, he missed the pup, but hit the trashcans instead.

that's what driving under the influence of milk will do to ya!

thankfully no one was harmed.....

except the poor trashcans....

never trust a man in diapers....

no matter HOW cute he is. ;)

White eyes.

it was back in mr. flynn's 4th grade class that we met.

well, we weren't really friends.... yet.

one day, she was in tears.

she wouldn't talk to anyone really.

and i asked our teacher if i could sit with her in the hallway to try to help her feel better.

to my surprise he let us sit in the hallway.

we took 2 chairs out there and sat there.

i pressed my glasses up between my eyes, and sat there.

i didn't know what i was going to say, but i just wanted to say something to make her feel better.

she finally began talking to me.

it was her dad.

he had just passed away.

he wasn't even sick!

he just passed away....

suddenly.

she was so upset.

she loved him sooooo much.

i didn't know much, but i learned empathy. i learned sympathy without even knowing what the word meant.....

i remember us hugging, and thinking to myself, "i hope she doesn't think i'm weird. i hope she knows i just want her to feel better."

....

and from then on, we were inseparable.

she was my buddy.

my best buddy.

she was quiet and had an attitude unlike anyone you've ever met in your life,

but we loved her!

she did this thing, where she'd rolllll her eyes and cross her arms, and bite her long thumb nail (all of her nails were long)....

her toenails were even long.

"they're easier to paint," she said.

but we loved her.

all of us.

my whole family.

we had sleepovers all of the time.

we would turn our closets into "ships," hanging flashlights from ribbons, hanging down from the hangers and swing it back and forth as if we were sailing the rough seas....

when it got too hot, we'd come out for a drink or for some food.

we used to stay up late to watch jerry springer....

back when a "fight" wasn't the norm, but it really spiced things up.....

it came on at 11 pm, and if we were able to stay up THAT late, we were shocked!!!!

we both has passes to knott's berry farm. and we went ALL of the time.... together.

(no, that's not blossom in the top picture, it's me.

no, that's not a boy in the 2nd picture, that is us, and yes, we ARE sniffing deodorant.... "Smells like teen spirit," remember??

and that photo was taken in a photo booth in Knott's berry farm)

yes, we were inseparable!!!

we used to walk to McDonald's outside the park, and offer homeless people food.

at our sleepovers, we would play this game called "white eyes."

it was when we'd stand in the front yard, at night, and yell "white eyes" when we'd see a car coming, and we'd drop and roll alllll the way to the edge of the sidewalk.

and laugh hysterically....

we would toilet paper people's houses.

and eat lots of junk food.

one time, we were at a pizza joint in our old neck of the woods, and i had to go to the bathroom, she came to the bathroom with me, and stood by the sink and waited.

there were a few other people in the bathroom at that time.

i totally farted, and laughed and farted some more.

i couldn't stop! it was hysterical.

she was outside by the sink, laughing SOOO hard, she almost peed her pants!!!!

we laughed about that for a long time.

when i spent the night over at her house, we would go to the grocery story and spend SO much money on toilet paper!

we'd stack it SO high in the middle of the aisle and take pictures of us in it.

our next mission....

to cover someone's house in toilet paper!!!!

next morning, we'd eat blueberry bagels.

she loved blueberry bagels.

i'd never had them before her.

as cheesy as this sounds, i still think of her to this day when i eat blueberry bagels.

we had boyfriends in middle school, and although i broke up with mine, she stayed with hers into high school.

i think it was during high school that we slowly started drifting apart....

she had a new group of friends.

she split from her middle school boyfriend, and she began dating a new guy....

they dated for many years....

our senior year in high school, her mom decided to sell their home and move up north.

lauren had 2 options.

1. move up north with her and finish high school in another state,

or

2. find a place to live

she was 18 by now, so....

they bought a home together, her and the boyfriend.

she had worked as a waitress for a looooong time, from high school and even after.

it was all she'd done.

a while later, they became engaged, and she became pregnant.

Lauren had endured MANY tough times up to this point.

her dream was finally coming true....

she was going to marry her high school sweetheart, and have their baby....

a little baby boy....

Lauren was scheduled to be induced on July 7th of 2006.

her entire life changed the night before she delivered, when her fiance passed away on July 6th.

We hadn't talked a whole lot up to this point, but the second i heard the devastating news, i texted her.

i still had her number, of course i did.

and i'm not entirely sure why we hadn't spoken for quite some time.

i texted her asking her to call me immediately....

it was a few days, but she called.

she called and we talked.

for a long time, we talked.

we caught up on what we'd missed in our time away from each other....

no matter how much time had passed between our conversations, we always seemed to pick up RIGHT where we had left off before....

the closeness never left....

I got my own place when Dylan was a few months old.

she would come and visit.

i remember staying up with her at all hours of the night, because Dylan wouldn't sleep through the night very well.

i remember how frustrating it was, and how we both sat and told each other, we hadn't planned our lives to be single mothers....

it wasn't how it was supposed to be.....

but it was....

we just didn't know that at that time.....!!!!

we sat there, sometimes angry at God for putting us in this position....

how were we supposed to make it with kids and no fathers?

we'd stay up late, into the wee hours of the night, rocking dylan with a bottle, while making soft brownies, just because we could.... (and no, we weren't on drugs. it was more like sympathy food)

i remember for the first time, us sitting and talking about what had gone on the past few months and crying together....

i KNEW....

from that moment, that she was going to be okay,

but i wasn't thorougly convinced SHE knew she was going to be okay.

she had so many questions left unanswered.

she had so many feelings she couldn't put names to.

it was a rollercoaster for her,

and rightfully so....

i remember just wanting to hug her again.... to sit and talk with her again, just like we did in the 4th grade....

i wanted to empathize with her.

i wanted to sympathize with her.

i wanted to help her to see that she was going to make it.

that she had made it THIS far,

with Dylan....

she was going to make it even FURTHER than she could dream possible at that time....

i knew she was going to make it....

and she still endured more since then....

(including our RANDOM trip to vegas. HA!).... i texted her on a tuesday, on my lunch break. "wanna go to vegas?" she asked, "when?" i said, "today. pack yo stuff and les roll!"

(ready to take on the town, and yes i was TOTALLY squatting down so that i could be more at her level.... i'm like a foot taller than her.)

she needed someone, sober, to tell her when to walk away from the tables.... (me!) even though she'd accuse me of taking her money and hiding it from her.....

me: "Lauren, it's on the table."

L: "Yeah, cuz you just put it there."

me: "yeah, i magically put it there.... i'm still in bed. shut up and go to sleep."

but today,

today she has since finished some schooling and is working as a Medical Assistant, with every intent on becoming a nurse.... she works in a great office by the beach....

she has an AMAZING little boy, who she just loves with all of her heart and soul....

and it shows....

she has since, reconnected with her middle school boyfriend and have remained so close since Dylan was a few months old.

They are now, officially back together again, and it makes me SO happy to see someone care for the BOTH of them as much as he does....

his family has accepted that little man into their house, into their lives and into their hearts like he were their own blood....

Lauren has taken a stand, against everything this world has thrown at her, and we are going to be celebrating his 4th birthday next weekend!!!! how cool is that??

Lauren is finally as happy as i think i've ever seen her, and that makes me INCREDIBLY happy too!!!

I want her to know how VERY proud of her I am for finishing her school, for going outside her comfort zone in doing things she didn't even think was possible.... i want her to know, now, that even when you feel like there isn't any hope left in this world, there is.... even if it's a glimmer that's SO small, you can't even see it.... even if you can't even IMAGINE it.... it's there....

i'm SO glad she is finally able to feel the love and the happiness that i always knew she had coming for her....

there are fireworks BECAUSE....

okay, so it seems that many people don't understand why we have fireworks on the 4th of july....

i've been taking a history class this summer, folks....

i'm here to tell you why.....

the history and its timeline goes something like this....

so somewhere in september of 1982, i buried myself into the lining of my mother's uterus....

i was due in the month of june in 1983....

buuuut i had decided that eh, the weather just wasn't right....

it was june.

it was gloomy.

so i slept.

and slept.

and slept and slept and slept some more....

finally, it was a day that i was content with.

i'd packed on a few extra pounds and i had to have a *cough*.... a b.m... you know.... a bowel movement....

i couldn't hold it anymore, and it was perfect timing, because i believe it was either july 2nd or early on july 3rd that i'd received my eviction notice.

"must vacate premises by 630 pm tonight."

i'm pretty sure this is when i'd decided i was going to become a procrastinator....

so i tested my limits....

FINALLY around 605 pm, i'd decided that i was either going to be surgically extracted, or i was going to poo myself, so i decided to enter this world.

I DECIDED!!!!

my mom was SO tired, as i was 9 lbs 4 oz, and she had no pain medication, so she went right to sleep.

EVERYONE, i mean EVERYONE from towns near and far, drove thousands of miles to come and see me and to celebrate my arrival!!!!

but mom was sleeping....

so they waited until the next day.

NOW, folks.

NOW it was the 4th of July....

it was time to celebrate my arrival....

there were loud cheers EVERYWHERE!!!!!

people were bbqing, waving flags (to let mom know they came from all over the country)....

some other people made banners

and when the night began to fall, the sky was filled with fireworks!!!

fireworks that spelled out my name!!!! well, kind of.

it looked like USA, but it was really Ash, for Ashley.

my mother was free!!!!

she no longer carried this BEAST of a child around anymore....

and so came the name "independence day"....

my mom gained, once again, her independence....

and the world gained me....

(i'm not entirely sure "gained" is the appropriate word, but.....i think you get the point....)

....

the end.

Happy 4th of July!!!!

"big potty"

i wanna get SUSHI wasted!!!!

YUM!

friday night we're going to a yummy sushi dinner for my birthday (which is actually on saturday)....

and since last year, i was pretty much the equivalent to a pregnant, diabetic hippopotamus:

i could not eat sushi.... for a variety of reasons....

1. you can't eat fish while you're pregnant. jason told me this multiple times, and yet i STILL craved sushi, nearly EVERY single day. i even thought i would "sneak" over to the local sushi place for a solo sushi lunch, however the sushi chef said, "you not to have sushi. not good for duh baby."

"oh really?! then why aren't you a DOCTOR instead of a SUSHI CHEF?!" i screamed as i stormed out of the place.... (okay, so not really... "oh. okay," i said sheepishly as i ordered beef teriyaki instead.... )

2. IF i even ATTEMPTED to have a sushi face stuffing party, with or withOUT anyone else present, there was very little room left, (as you can see in the above picture). i would swallow about half of a bite of a spicy tuna roll, which would likely have become stuck in my esophageal sphincter, which would have then caused me to need the heimlich maneuver, which at this point in pregnancy would have probably caused my water to rupture all over my parent's super expensive flooring, which would have probably stained just like when my grandma spilled pepperoncini juice on it....

and 3. holy protruding belly button!!! if i even swallowed a single grain of rice, i'm pretty certain lewie would have been delivered via my belly button!!!

point is, i couldn't eat sushi last year.

on my birthday.

like i wanted to.

so this year, THIS year, i am going to get sushi wasted....

i'm going to eat so much sushi, that i'll likely wake up the next morning and not recognize my husband.

i was going to say "glammy would say," but this time it was another asian whose verbage is very much like glammy's.... and his name is Toshi. Toshi is jason's good friend who actually owns the restaurant we'll be dining at.... "Toshi's sushi." we called him to let him know we'll be in on Friday night, and his response?

"Big Potty Jay!!! Let's do diss!!!!"

perhaps i'll catch a video of him this weekend.... he's pretty awesome!

can't wait to potty with Tosh.

and wake up next to a hot man.

reeking of spicy tuna and soy sauce....