Nelda's Chocolates.

Taylor and I made some homemade chocolates today (which was the 12th) since we both weren't feeling too hot.

this was the first time making it with almond bark, but it turned out good (so far).

i'll let you know once it sets. (wasn't too bad)

The recipe calls for a block of chocolate or almond bark (i think it's about 24 oz of chocolate.)

you can just find this at target, walmart or ralphs. (poppa brought up a great idea.... would probably be really good with white chocolate.... mmmm.... we'll have to try that next time....)

1 cup of crunchy peanut butter.

in another mixing bowl:

-3 cups of rice krispies

-2 cups of salted, dry roasted peanuts

-2 cups of mini marshmallows

melt the chocolate and the PB in a large pot and mix well until all the same color....

turn off the heat and pour in the contents from the mixing bowl.

mix it all up really well and then drop onto wax paper.

i dropped them individually to make the individual candies so that i wouldn't have to break it later, but you can do it either or.... it can fill about 3 cookie sheets....

stumped.

my husband is a very simple man.

he has all the clothes he'll ever say he needs.

tons of shoes (but that's because they were given to him from a guy at dvs yrs ago)

i mean really.

he thinks that not one single dollar should be spent on himself and he'll never tell you anything he wants or needs, or even likes....

so you just kinda gotta watch his face for things.

listen REALLY well when he talks, because every once in a blue moon, you might catch him say that he should invest in that and just get it.

i think in all the time we've been together, he's maybe said this once.

it is SO hard to shop for my husband.

i haven't ever had a hard time shopping for people, because usually you know at least one thing that someone wants, or you know someone who KNOWS something that someone wants....

no, not my husband.

everyone asks ME what he wants, and i don't even know what the man wants.

i wanted to do something really special for valentines day.

but i have NO idea what to do....

i wanted to do something really special for his birthday, but again... kinda clueless.... well we have an idea for the birthday i think, but not so much valentines day.... and well, i'm just stuck.

he thinks this makes him a simple man, but in fact, it makes him a very DIFFICULT man....

i wish i had the thousands of dollars to just buy him the old car he wants, but i don't....

sooooo.... until then, other ideas are going to have to do....

i want him to know how much i appreciate him and love him and adore him....

ahhhh! this is going to be a lot more difficult than i thought.

im stumped!!!

stupid people.

you know, i try VERY hard to be a very good person.

I try not to think bad things,

or say mean things.

i do really well at not saying mean things, or acting mean....

but i'm not entirely innocent on the thought part, and i know that if you think it you are just as guilty as doing it and it's pretty much eating me up.

am i the only person who thinks there are terribly STUPID and MEAN people out there?

i very much dislike some people to the point that seeing their picture kind of makes me burp up a little throw up acid in the back of my throat.... i sometimes wish i had a delete button for these stupid people, and although I shouldn't judge, forgive me for the times i have these thoughts.

they usually subside and aren't as intense, but sometimes i could really use a good mean person's face to punch....

UGH!!!!!

now is one of those times....

stupid people.

just "hangin' in the park.

So yesterday was superbowl day and not anything i was overly excited about watching.

for whatever reason, I just got in this mood, where i felt like being outdoors in the crisp air, sitting and watching my babies play.

so while jason watched the game at his dads, me and the kiddos went to the park next door.

i hadn't planned on doing this, otherwise i would have brought my camera along.

but we went. and i was swinging with lewie on the big swing for a bit.

it's so funny how he'd arch his back everytime we'd swing forward, and he'd gasp everytime the wind would blow in his face.

so i put him in the little baby swing and sat in front of him in the sand....

i pushed him back and forth for a little while....

he didn't arch and gasp as much....

instead he was making little tooting noises with his mouth.... drooling everywhere at the same time....

he enjoyed swinging.

we watched "sissy" (taylor) swing next to him, and go down the slide a few times too.

Lewie also laid his eyes on a little boy with a quad.

he watched the boy ride around and around and around.

he turned his head to follow the quad.

i think i even heard him tell grandpa he wants one of those.... ;)

wish we took better pictures than just "mobile" ones....

but i suppose mobile ones are better than NO ones.

p.s. daddy dressed this poor boy in his 2T (black) sweatpants and brown and grey and red onesie.... oh lewie.... i fell in love with your dad when he was wearing the last of his clean (and very unmatched) clothes.... he told me, (much later on), that he was so embarrassed to be coming over in the clothes he was wearing, but decided that he'd rather come over in clean unmatched clothes than dirty ones.... and he said that if i didn't like him for the clothes he was wearing than i was far too shallow to be with him anyway.... i guess it all worked out.... i still love him to pieces.... =)

a selfish man's soul.

7 yrs.

4 months.

3 weeks.

and 2 days old.

there's so much resentment built up.

and damages no one, but me.

the resentments are so far repressed,

that most of the time, i barely even know they exist.

but they do.

and every now and again, i know, very much so, that they exist....

you've had the leisure to do with your time as you've pleased.

to go to the gym.

to do homework.

to go on a date.

to go to a party.

to drink.

to dance.

to vacation.

to be everywhere else, but here.

you've had the leisure to do with your time as you've pleased.

you've lived south of us.

they've all lived north of us.

we were right in between.

but the phone calls never came,

when you'd pass our house.

you'd just continue driving north,

in one of your many new cars....

what a selfish man's soul does not know,

is the pricetag on a child's life....

the cost to raise a child.

the food they eat.

the doctor's appointments.

the childcare.

the clothes.

the fundraisers.

the games.

the hobbies.

the cost of a home in an area worth living in,

where you don't fear your child's safety,

and you know they are receiving a wonderful education.

what a selfish man's soul does not hear,

are the whimpers of her cries....

"i'm hungry."

"i don't feel well."

"i want. i want. i want."

"i don't wanna take a bath."

"i don't wanna go to bed."

"i don't wanna eat that."

"i don't wanna go to the dentist."

"where's my other shoe?"

"where's my homework?"

"what should i wear?"

"what should i eat for breakfast?"

"how do you spell....?"

"look!"

"look it!"

"mom! look!"

"mom!"

"mom!"

what he can't smell,

is her freshly brushed breath,

blowing in your face to ensure she's brushed well enough.

he can't smell,

her freshly washed hair

that smothers your face when she hugs you goodnight.

a selfish man's soul cannot smell

the dirt on her hands when she's fallen in the sand from jumping off the monkey bars,

or swings.

you can't smell the freshly baked brownies,

she excitedly awaits to finish baking....

she mixed them herself, you know.

what a selfish man's soul doesn't feel

are her arms around his neck.

or her lips pressed to your cheek.

you cannot FEEEEL her love from a distance.

you cannot FEEEEL her pain.

you cannot FEEEEL her heart's desires.

her wants.

her yearns.

you can't FEEEEL any of that.

a selfish man's soul cannot see

the growth in her height.

her crooked smile.

her face light up when she figures something out.....

her gappy smile, when she loses another tooth.

you cannot see the letters she writes to the toothfairy or to Santa Claus.

you cannot read the books she writes.

(unless of course I order extra copies for you)....

you cannot see the work she does at school, unless i show it to you.

you do not donate money for her to win a prize,

as she jumpropes to help children with sick hearts.....

you cannot see her glue foam hearts together and lay them all out for every member in her family....

you cannot see the distance that she feels.

she needs not my words to figure it out.

i leave them out.

she is above and beyond any level of intelligence you could ever imagine.

but a selfish man's soul....

would never know,

the goodness of her good soul....

flea-sized me.

i'm sitting here, on the floor, because i can't find my extension cord to plug my computer in (which is about to die). Usually this is where i sit in the living room, because the ethernet cord isn't much longer than my power cord to my laptop, but thanks to poppa yesterday for giving me a 15 foot ethernet cord, i can now sit further away from my television (and modem) as long as the battery (for the laptop) is charged.

I just need to figure out how to set this router up, or get a new one, because of all the attempts i've made to set this one up, none of them have worked. we pay for the internet, i should very well be able to use it anywhere in the house, and not just huddled up and hunched over next to the tv. my fault. and jason's sooo not a computer guy. he cares NOTHING about the internet or anything to do with it, except checking the weather and the traffic before work, (and occasionally reading my/our facebook or blog).

lewie is lying on his back to my right, sucking on his bottle, even though he should totally be about an hour into his nap.... he wants nothing to do with napping right now. today, he has managed to hit an octave that i didn't even know was possible (especially from a boy). he finished his bottle and starts rolling over, and before you know it, he's on the other side of the large rug, so he's managed to roll almost 9 feet away from me. i like watching him roll. i like watching him in motion. (heck, it's better than having him SCREAM directly into your ear and piercing or PUNCTURING your eardrum). of all the things and toys and jumpers and belongings that lewie has, his red little package of wipes seems to be his favorite toy. he likes the way it sounds when he crinkles the packaging. he likes lifting it up and trying to shove it in his mouth. he can't choke on it. he likes to bite it, and when he DOES manage to get a good "bite" onto the side, it's kinda squishy, because there are only wipes inside. man. you'd think as parents (especially of more than one child) you'd learn.... you'd learn to just purchase the necessities. the car seat (and they'll play with the box) but it's a win win situation because you still NEED the carseat and apparently, they NEED the box. no extra money spent on toys. buy the wipes because you need those, and they'll play with them while you're not using them. wa-lah! brilliant! yeah, i'm sure we'll still never learn.... and our houses will ALWAYS be messy and filled with extra unneeded toys (although they seem like GREAT ideas at the time)

anyway.... my classes.... one is going pretty well. work isn't crazy hard. it's more like exploring my options.... and THEN.... there's the other course.... unfortunately the much harder course is a full semester, whereas the easier one will be ending in the next month or so. this more difficult one, i thought, was doable. i was all pumped up, went into it, ready to knock it out.... and then there was my professor.... he is something else! he's BRUTAL!!!! he knows everything about this topic (which is a good thing, after all he is TEACHING the course) but he has had YEARS of training and going over and over and over the same material. he's had years and years and years of reviewing and memorizing this material and knowing it inside and out.... i'm sorry. info doesn't click like that for me. i don't know every name of everyone and i certainly don't remember important dates (unless it's like the first time i met my husband, or the day he told me i could have starbucks whenever i wanted for the rest of my life) i mean, come on. now THOSE dates are dates to be remembered.... ha! no, but seriously, i am really trying to get this information down. you know how you skim when you read, or you think you pick out what's important and what probably isn't so important??.... yeah, well with this class, EVERYTHING is important, so you better know EVERYTHING.... and i mean EVERYTHING!!!! *sigh* so just as soon as i felt confident and big and excited, i came down to feeling no larger than a flea.... self esteem knocked right out of me....

so off to naptime lewie goes..... yes, i have my venti starbucks to my right now, instead of my screaming son... and my schoolbooks and papers scattered all around me....

feeling about equivalent to the size of a flea leaves me two options: 1. drop the course and quit now, before it's too late, or 2. dig in that much deeper and don't go down without a fight....

i think those of you that really know me, know which one i choose....

so it's to the videos and text i go.... again.... and again and again and again....

behind the scenes.

so yesterday started off.... let's just say.... not on the right foot.

i guess it kind of carried over from sunday night. lewie was not at all interested in slumber.... we watched the grammys to pass the time.... lewie seemed to be enjoying the grammys. he must have been, because he did NOT want to go to sleep. there comes that breaking point for a parent, when the child, is fed, burped, changed, tired, fussing and you just can't rock them or cuddle them while they proceed to try to climb up your stomach (which by the way, just to happens to nicely remind you that you haven't been to the gym in quite some time).... nothing like a nice little friendly reminder that you are still carrying around the baby weight. thanks lew!

all the rocking, and kissing and singing and patting the back.... he was going for none of it.... bummer. because there were a few points during the whole rocking and patting that my eyes would roll back into my head and were practically BEGGING me to stay there.... "please ashley, close us and let us stay closed for like 8 hours." (well yeah, not so much. it's more like 4 hours, but whatever. who's counting?)

lewie really wasn't being entirely bratty. he dozed off for a little bit and woke up all bright eyed and ready to rock. he was laughing, when i'd tell him that he needed to be sleeping. that would make lewie laugh (hysterically).... once lewie was laughing, jason started cracking up. then lewie would laugh harder. jason laughed harder. i was trying to be mad, but then i'd start laughing too, and then lewie would laugh and jason would laugh, and i just couldn't be mad. even though i wanted to be mad at both of them for being brats while i was soooo tired, i couldn't be.... ugh.... but i wanted to be....

anyway.... like i was saying, there comes that breaking point where it's "to the crib you go, bud!" i feared taylor would wake up, but i feared losing my sanity more, so he went to bed.... and fussed a little bit, but after a few "plug-the-binky-back-in-his-face" episodes, he was asleep. THANKFULLY! so jason and i get into bed around MIDNIGHT! mind you, that's about 4 hours later than we normally do.... so i'm burnt.... beyond burnt....

so just a few short hours of sleep, alarm goes off. time for jason to go to work. time for me to try to get some sleep, but once the alarm goes off, i'm awake on and off all morning.... can't really get any decent sleep. i'm worried taylor will oversleep, or lewie's going to wake up at any time.... so eventually i'm awake for good, but DREAD the thought of getting out of bed.... it's monday morning.... i need to go back to my dr first thing this morning, but totally forgot to make an appt on friday (my last visit). how did i forget?! ugh whatever, that was enough to jolt me out of bed and into the tub, to bathe of course since i still can't shower yet.... by the way, i am not a fan of baths.... in fact, i really don't like them much at all..... i can't wait until i can shower again! so bath for me.... while taylor is lagging to get ready, which by the way, i take full blame for, being that i get ready pretty slow too (when i'm not rushing out the door for something that i'm running late for).... the girl has no concept for, nor does she even CARE to UNDERSTAND the concept of, time.... she doesn't care if she's late. it means nothing to her.... how did i allow this to happen? it's all my fault, i know, but there aren't ever any repercussions (sp?) .... why would she care?

i'm so upset and flustered at this point once i realize the clock says 737 am, and her school starts at 745, which by the way takes about 10 minutes to get there... there was NO way she was going to make it on time.... i was SO upset.... and there she was, NOT getting ready, but messing around in the bathroom.... folding things, and wiping things and just taking her dear sweet time. bless her heart, she wanted to help, but DON'T HELP WHEN I TELL YOU TO GET READY TO WALK OUT THE DOOR!!!! folding and wiping doesn't get you out the door.... well, it might, but it'll get you out the door LATE!

so i feel like i'm reaching another breaking point.... HOW can i get her to understand that she MUST be on time? HOW or WHEN do you begin teaching a child that you aren't there to do everything in the world for them? granted, she is 7 years old, but doesn't it just get harder on them the older they get? the more you do for them, the harder it will be to stop doing things for them, right? i think that is how it will be.... heck, i'm 26 years old and still run to my mom for things i know she can help me with.... she rescues me when i need to be rescued.... i'm not entirely sure if that's a good or bad thing.... good for me (at the time) but bad for me (really?) i don't know.... i haven't figured it out yet.... but i am sure more appreciative than i can ever show.... for sure.

sooo.... i try explaining to taylor, again, because i just did the other day, that a parent's job is to teach their children to be successful without them.... teach them to tie their shoes, to pick up after themselves, teach them manners, teach them to read and write, and to be INDEPENDENT!!!! i don't know how else to stress the importance of time to taylor.... i can do everything for her and she'll be ready on time.... but what does that teach her? that i'll always be there to wipe her butt and get the job done... no! that's not what i want to teach her.... instead i'd rather teach her to plan her time better.... (who am i kidding? i need my own teacher to teach me how to plan MY time better).... but i can still try this with her right? so maybe instead of getting up at 6 am, she needs to get up at 545.... maybe that extra 15 minutes will give her the added time she needs.... otherwise, she needs to pick it up a notch and get ready ON TIME!!!

so anyway, needless to say, Taylor gets to school, a few minutes late, but she's there none the less. I walked her into the office for a late slip, just because i could feel the butterflies in her stomach of having to walk in to her classroom late.... while everyone else is probably already seated. I didn't want her teacher to think that i just dumped her off at school nearly 8 minutes late and just left her to go to class.... LATE.... so anyway, getting the late pass wasn't as bad as I'd thought it would be. I immediately felt like IIIII was late for school. what excuse could i use?

"her brother threw up all over everything right as we were walking out the door..."

nooo, that didn't sound good enough.

"there was traffic on the way."

laaaaaaame!

"our car broke down, and we walked the rest of the way."

pssssh!

"we.... couldn't find the keys...."

oh heck! why was i trying to make up excuses? all that would do was teach taylor to lie....

so we walked in to the office and, of course, it's her principal who is at the front desk.

"good morning. we are late this morning."

and to my surprise, Mrs Principal says, "awww okay. just fill this slip out."

really?

that's it?

you're not even gonna ask why?

SWEEEEET! cuz i was prepared to just say "we were just running late."

but i didn't have to.

phewf!

so off to class she went.

I'm checking the clock in the truck to see when it's a little after 8 so i can call my dr's office and try to squeeze in there before i have to go to my dentist appt at 1030, which by the way was in the complete opposite direction.

so i get an appointment, almost immediately, but still have enough time to grab a starbucks and run home for the stroller.... as i'm driving home from starbucks to get the stroller, I decide to take a slightly different route, thinking that it will get me there quicker....

i go to make a left hand turn and BAM! traffic stops. all the traffic merges into ONE lane, while they are "preparing" to gut the street and lay some new asphalt or whatever they were going to do.... i couldn't help but to see about 16 trucks parked along the side of the street and all the men standing outside the trucks just STANDING THERE!!!! they were just socializing, laughing, waving their arms around as if they were telling a really exciting story about the weekend and watching the pro-bowl and how crazy their wives were.... or whatever they were really talking about.... part of me felt sooo irritated that alllll these lanes were blocked off while NO WORK was actually taking place, but there were a few lanes for these guys to mingle and tell stories about whatever.... then the other, less selfish side of me thought, "at least they're happy. they could be standing there with their arms crossed, hating life... but then in that case, they'd be more like me, which at this point, i wouldn't have wished upon anyone else." well maybe i would have, just so i didn't have to be miserable alone. no not really. so i keep staring at the clock.... why did it feel like minutes were passing, but i wasn't moving but maybe an inch every few minutes.... i felt like i was literally going to be on that same street by the time my appointment came and went..... but, thankfully a few minutes later, I was in my driveway and getting the stroller and heading to the dr's office.

i get there, sign in and sit down..... and i smell something. it smells like.... *sniff sniff* POOP! greaaaaaattttt!!!! Lewie just pooped. "Ashley King." they called me back. sorry Lew. poop's gotta wait. so we're in the room, dr comes in and pulls out the old packing, and decides he still has to repack it again.... repacks it. Lewie's fussing.... his assistsnt (which is an entirely different person than the girl who has been helping us the past few weeks), comes in a while later to help "wrap" up the incision. she had absolutely NO idea what she was doing... i told her the supplies we use to wrap it. told her exactly what we used and how we did it. she leaves the room (for the 2nd time, mind you) and STILL comes back with the wrong supplies. i tell her AGAIN what we use and decided to wait until she came back with the CORRECT supplies before i'd tell her how we wrapped it. maybe then, she'd at least get the supplies right. so she comes back, (still not the right stuff) but i don't even care at this point. i'll MAKE those supplies work!!!! i begin getting the stuff ready to put on myself, and she tries to help. but starts putting the wrap OVER my bra strap and tanktop after i REPEATEDLY told her that it must go UNDER them, otherwise i'd be stuck in my clothes.... so she SERIOUSLY tapes me up after having "trapped" me in my own clothes when i ask her to just cut it all off.... i said "just give me the supplies and i'll have my husband help me tonight." i'm not even joking, she put about TEN pieces of tape onto the gauze AFTER i told her how sensitive my skin was.... the dr comes in and tells her that i can't have that much tape on me, and to look at how red my skin was already becoming.... doh! i wanted to just leave. i seriously taped whatever wannabe gauze pads she brought in under my arm and left. (and i'm usually pretty patient, but could feel it slipping through my hands like grains of sand.... yes, seriously.)

UGH!

so i leave there and head over to the dentist as now my appt is approaching.... i am driving down the freeway, when i suddenly realize the directions i have didn't tell me how to get to the place once i get off the freeway. the last of the directions just told me to "continue on the I-5 south" that's it. really?! what kind of directions are those? so i try calling the dentist office once..... twice.... three times.... got the voicemail all three times.... i got off the freeway and looked at the building numbers and figured i'd go in the direction that was closer to the numbers i needed. that oughta get me there.... and sure enough, after cutting over 2 lanes and at the very last minute, i'd arrived at my final destination.... the dentist.... i got lewie (who was sleeping by the way) into his stroller and headed for the door... only, there wasn't a door. there were about 20 steps and no handicapped or disabled ramp that i could see.... WHAT?! i briefly thought about turning his stroller around and going up the steps backwards, a step at a time, but figured it would take me far too long, and quickly decided against that BRILLIANT idea. there HAD to be a stupid ramp somewhere, so i walked all the way around the building and finally found a (stupid) ramp. got into the office (cramped and HOT) and the lady says, "you must be ashley king. we tried calling you because the insurance number we have written down is an invalid number. there is an incorrect amount of digits given to us." i said "well whatever number i gave you should have worked, because it worked for my daughter's dentist. let's make sure our numbers match." of course they didn't. whoever wrote the number down, wrote an extra number down, and therefore they weren't able to verify the insurance and they didn't know how much it was going to cost and so they had to do all this verification before i'd even step foot into the x-ray chair. i was NOT going to pay for those xrays out of pocket. sorry! not me! it was actually verified rather quickly and i was getting the xrays done before i knew it. they did "full mouth" xrays and gagged me for about 15 minutes.... seriously took like 20 pictures. i asked "are my teeth falling out or something?" she laughed and said "noooo... not at all." i said "then why all the xrays?" i guess that's standard, but i can't ever remember "standard" being 15 minutes of stinkin, gagging xrays. i was at the dentist's office for 2 hours when i finally said, "okay. i'm done for today." i've never tapped out at a dentist, but today.... today i did.... everything seemed to be moving in slow motion except for lewie and my mind.... lewie was fussy and had pooped again. i could smell it. he was fussy, and antsy and well the dentist just wasn't too thrilled to have a fussy baby there. he looked so irritated. i said, "i'll just come back another time to have it finished. my jaw is locked sideways and i can't hold it open anymore." my wisdom teeth NEED to come out and they NEED to come out like PRONTO.... great!!! another school setback.... that's all i need. 3 of the 4 have to come out. the 4th is small enough that they think it's fine if it stays, but we'll see what the oral surgeon thinks. soooo i'm going for that on thursday.... (the consult, not the actual surgery) the dentist thinks that i need to have my wisdom teeth out before i finish having my teeth cleaned, because they were the reason my jaw was bothering me.

so out will come the wisdom teeth, clean the rest and then fill the cavities. yes, i have cavities by the way. that was the other wonderful news i had yesterday. i could go ahead and thank my wisdom teeth for those suckers.... so THANKS wisdom teeth.... dentist said there's no decay, but the wisdom teeth NEEDED to come out. i think i got it the first time. i think i actually got the point when the wisdom teeth flared up and hurt like heck!!! but mental note saved. thanks dr dentist.

i left.

miserably, i left.

i haven't had cavities since i was a little kid. i felt like a little kid all over again.

so as i'm driving home, i feel a big wave of emotions come over me....

suddenly i hate everything about my life and it just felt like the end of the world....

poor jason....

yep. he caught the backlash of all that....

i send him a text message and he calls me and i'm crying, and he feels helpless and we needed to get a plan together for me, like immediately, because it felt that urgent....

and could it have waited?

.....

maybe....

but likely not....

i told him, there wasn't anything he could fix, even though i know he wanted to.... he couldn't....

i needed a plan and i just wanted him to stand by me through my plan....

taking the online classes is enjoyable for me, but i hardly have the time to do the required work and studying that is necessary to complete the courses....

pity party of 1 please....

suddenly, everything was the end of the world.

i was a horrible parent.

i was fat.

i was blind.

i should just get dentures.

and probably even be euthanized....

it was that bad....

a few hours later,

it wasn't that bad....

there was a list of things i wanted.... but the euthanization wasn't one of them....

i wondered, if jason really knew what a day of staying at home was really like....

behind the scenes.... does anyone know what it's REALLY like staying at home?

maybe it's just me....

maybe it's just me and my hating to be stagnant for too long....

change was needed.

change IS needed.

speaking of change.....