9 months to the day.... (originally written on August 24, 2008)

one of the few of the last pictures with my Dad. (11/2007)

it's been nine months to the day,
since he took your soul away,
from us here
in this place.
how i'd give anything 
to see your face.
just yesterday i reached 
to call you....
so often i think 
thoughts about you.
things i think would make you smile,
i haven't heard you in awhile....
but i feel your love come to me,
just like the wind 
at the sea.
how i wish you were here
with me....
how i miss your kisses good night....
and your tight hugs in the morning....
and you telling me your stories....
of all your times before me....
there's still so much 
i have to say....
today is 9 months since that day...
and i still miss you (Dad)....

the anniversary- #1

so we celebrated our first wedding anniversary and it was fantastic!

anniversary #1

it was a surprise.... he set it up and i didn't even know we were doing anything. it was wonderful.  time with my husband, alone, is always wonderful. =) 

Mr. Mom (dropping off the kids at Mom's)

"dress nice. and warm."

brunch in the harbor.  our view from our booth.....

a little bit overcast, but still a beautiful day. =)

we see this guy paddling through the harbor.... jason said that was some of the dirtiest water to be in....

love his face when he's looking at something....

i wish there was sound with this picture.... i love his laugh. =) 

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY my love! i look forward to so many more wonderful years with you! (and cards in my pillow)  ;) you're the best! 

flight line and teardrops. (originally written on august 14th, 2008)

flight line and teardrops....
rain in the summer.

cars, like ants, we drove on base.
seemingly knew to flock to the same area....
"the food" (for ants), i suppose....
is where we all parked....

herds of families walked in together....
children, children.
so many children.
so many wives.
and hearts.
and welcome home signs....
the ushers at the entrance passing out tiny american flags.
and red, white and blue pom poms....
all for us to cheer our marines in....
to welcome them home....

i kept my shades over my eyes....

we shuffled in and sat in the large room....
a large television overhead and seats everywhere....
vending machines.
tables covered in playdoh for the kids....
and a snack room....
with snacks and drinks covering the tables for anyone who cared to munch.
not i.
i sat uneasy.

i looked around this large room....
everyone here for the same reason as i.
to welcome someone home.
what about the ones who weren't here today?
what about the ones who SHOULD have been here today,
but weren't.....
what about them?
where were they?
what were THEY doing?
it hurt....

this is REALITY....
Man, this is our reality.
this is real life....
and just another normal day in the life of the military....

another group of our men and women coming home....
after being gone for MONTHS!!!!

this blonde woman in a knee length black dress talks over the speaker....
"your marines are about 30 minutes away. i will get on here and let you know when they are about 15 minutes away, and at that time, you will be allowed to head out to the flight line and wait for your marine."

....

.... no more than about 7 minutes passed, and she was back.
that blonde in the black dress....

"your marines are about 10 minutes away now. you may head outside to the flight line and wait for their arrival.... CON-GRAT-U-LA-TIONS!!!! You did it!!!!"

man!....
man oh man oh man oh man.....
this is INSAAAAANE!

we all walk out to the flight line.
there are red tents for those who would like to avoid the sun.

and there.
there was the marine corps band.
they are quite a musical group.
i mean, really.
all it took was one song.
no, wait.
just the beginning of one song, to bring tears to my eyes....
the played to the left,
as everyone gathered at the flight line....
what an INTENSE feeling....
on the ground....
a bunch of men and women walking around....
you felt like you were a part of top gun.
the rumbling of the ground....
the vibrations in your chest,
as the planes and jets roared their engines and flew outta there....
what an AMAZING view....
a fantastic one....

but where was OUR jet....
the one that held OUR marines?
the crowd of people searched the skies....
and off to the left.
up in the clouds.
there was a tiny white light....
the front of their plane coming in....
and the light got bigger....
and closer....
and lower.....

and the sound of the jet got louder.
and louder.
and closer.
and this HUUUGE oversized jet
FINALLY
touched down....
speeding past us....
and off to the right....

about 5 minutes later, it comes taxiing back.
and rests to the right....
the stairs are pushed against the plane....
and within a few moments,
the door slides up....
this jet is a BEAST!!!!
it's HUUUUGE!

at this point Taylor is crying uncontrollably!!!!
holy cow.
my right arm is shaking from holding her weight for so long.
I want to put her down, but she can't see if i do...
she's clenching me sooo tightly....
her nerves, probably so much greater than mine....
and mine were stomach turning on a 135 pounder.
i can only imagine what hers were like on a little 55 pounder....
but i tell you this....
when her tears fell....
so did mine....
and when her heart ached....
so did mine....
(it's amazing how that works when you become a parent.....
never before have i been so directly affected by someone else...
but HER.... HER heart is directly attached to mine, i tell you....)

minutes pass, and here they come....
OUR MARINES....
piling off the plane!
i couldn't see Jason, but I knew he was there...
I saw marine after marine....
and so started the tears.....
those men and women,
touching U.S. ground again....
Welcome Home troops....
Welcome Home....

and they hand in their weapon....
and sign in for their rooms.
get their room key....
and wait for their bags.....
their bags that are brought in on this HUGE truck....
green bags just PILED on this truck.
to us.... that's what it looks like.... a bunch of green bags....
but to our troops, these bags are their lives for these past months....
their lives were stuffed into these "green bags."

and like clockwork, all these men, lined up....
shoulder to shoulder.... starting from the back of the truck.
and handed these bags down this file of strong men....
none of them seeming to become tired....
sweat dripping off of every single one of them,
but not one of them slowing down....
the bags made it down the file to the very last man, where he would drop the bag
in no particular order or sequence....
and finally about 15 minutes later all of these hundreds of bags
made up rows and rows of our soldiers lives....

i stood in the middle of all the passing marines,
looking down at their boots....
there was still sand in them....
there was still sand from iraq in their boots....
our troops are home,
but just hours before, stood on war grounds....
it made me overcome with such a wide range of emotions....
a part of me overjoyed they were home safely...
another part of me soooooo disturbed that they were even there to begin with....

one of the marines loud voice, yells over the crowds "LISTEN UP MARINES!!!! DOES ANYONE NEED TRANSPORTATION TO THE BARRACKS?"

I quickly looked up....
and around....
if someone needed transportation to the barracks,
that meant they probably didn't have anyone waiting for them when they arrived.
I looked around....

His voice asked again, "DOES ANYONE NEED TRANSPORTATION TO THE BARRACKS?"

He paused.
once more, "TRANSPORTATION TO THE BARRACKS? ANYONE?"

No one seemed to need transportation at that time....
I exhaled....
to me that meant everyone had somebody....

He smiled....
as did i....

about 5 minutes later, I heard a young man say to another, "where can I get a ride to the barracks?"

I quickly turned around and there was a tall sandy blonde haired gentleman with round glasses on, standing alone holding his pack on his back, and that "green bag" over his shoulder and a black briefcase looking bag in his other hand....

I turned and said, "Thank you for what you've done. I am glad you're home safely.... Welcome Home!!!!"

I just wanted to hug him....
but you don't know what to do.....
you don't know how they are feeling emotionally.
you know?
i found this same exact feeling when I worked in the hospital....
when i'd meet a cancer patient for the very first time....
what do you say to them, you know?
how do you act towards them?
how are THEY feeling?
do you say you are sorry?
what if they aren't sorry?
what if you offend them by saying you're sorry?
i didn't want to make it any more awkward than it already was....
and so i just touched his arm and said, "welcome home," again.....

all the while,
my shades never left my nose...
because if they did....
these brave brave troops would see how incredibly weak i really was....
tears unable to stop pouring from my eyes as i walked this flight line....
To see Taylor in Jason's arms was incredible.
It really was.....

but my heart didn't stop there.....
there were so many others as well....
so many reunions....
husbands.
wives.
children.
parents.
newborns.
aunts.
uncles.
grandparents.
godparents....
boyfriends.
girlfriends.
brothers.
sisters.
friends.
fellow troops.
it goes on.
and on.
and on.
and i was just here.....

just another ant....
on another normal day.
in the life of the military.....
wishing i could do more.
say more.
give more.

and yet, all i could do,
was walk this FLIGHT LINE....
with my American Flag.
Pom poms.
AND TEARDROPS.....

Welcoming Home our brave men and women....

maybe it's just pride.... (originally written on august 28th, 2008)

maybe it's just pride....

the gaps between your actions.
and the words you speak aloud
show the lack of your intention,
or maybe you're just proud.
but you disappoint the miniature,
who can't wait to wear your shirt,
or watch a movie with you.
or kiss away your hurt.....
her big brown eyes look up to you,
she watches when you go....
she's soaking up your actions,
so much more than you know.
she puckers her lips 
and she closes her eyes....
if only you knew, like i do,
the way that she cries....
quit digging the holes,
that make the distance between....
the things that you say,
and the things that you mean....
the gaps between your actions.
and the words you keep inside,
show the lack of your intention,
or maybe it's your pride....

dysfunction: co-dependency.

so i have this stupid dysfunction.... called co-dependency.... i need to help people who need help. it's not always a bad things, because sometimes you are (or I am) successful at this, and it works out, and things are peachy. and they smile and i smile because they are smiling and it makes me happy.... and .... well, it's just dysfunctional sometimes. (sometimes, being most of the time)....

so i did something really stupid and thought i was being helpful and the situation just blew WAY out of proportion and then i went on trying to explain what my original intention was.... and that i was really in no way, shape or form trying to stir up any kind of drama, and it really just took me to this place of.... well, middle school or high school.... all over again.... and i immediately thought of jason.... and how if i tried to explain this situation to him, what he would say to me.... he would tell me that i should be minding my own business and not talking to anyone anyway.... it's hard for me!  that's something i've always done!!! i've ALWAYS tried to help where i can.... and a lot of times it's successful, but a lot of times, i just become way more emotionally invested than i probably should be and my emotions end up getting the best of me.... i take on people's things like they're my own, and what does it get me? well it gets ME a lot more emotions and it gets my family.... well, probably a lot grumpier mom, wife, sister, daughter, etc. 

whatever. i wish i could kick this stupid co-dependent thing.... i wish i could draw the line of where helpful becomes hurtful... or where helpful becomes "none of my business."  i guess being married to someone as, i don't want to call him "anti-social" because given the proper or comfortable setting, he's an amazingly funny and wonderful person to be around.... but, he's not the most social person in the world.... he doesn't think it's anyone's responsibility to fix anyone else's problems, except themselves.... hmmm... where do we meet in the middle on this one.... i don't know.... 

i still like to help, but not when i end up in situations like today. oh well. i'll call this "help," a loss and move on.... 

maybe i should go clean the house or something.... 

sleepless wonders

So I'm lying here in bed. It's not much past 9, but it feels like it's dead in the middle of the night.... What would normally be a night I'd be fast asleep, has very much turned in to a night with me lying here.... On my left side, squinting my eyes to see the small font on my blackberry....

My mind won't shut off, though it hardly does. Tonight, for whatever reason, it's on.... And not only turned on, but turned up.... To like the Nth degree....

So as I'm lying here, everything seems so loud. I wonder SO many things, that I'm actually wondering why I'm even wondering about these lame things!

I wonder where the sound of someone else's running water is coming from.... I can't tell if it's the condo beneath us, behind us, next to us.... For all I know, it's someone showering in my room.... Because that's what it sounds like.... Which leads me to my next wonder. I wonder what it sounds like to my downstairs neighbor when we move, when we walk, we I flush the toilet, when (jason) farts in bed.... Because IIII would never do such a thing. (Tee hee hee)....

I wonder how the difference between night and day somehow seems to be like 40 degrees or more! where do those 40 degrees go at night? Like to another planet? Cuz it sure feels like it.....

I wonder why Lewie went to bed at 6 something tonight? Aren't we the old folks here? Not him? Which then leads me to wondering since he went to bed at 6 something tonight, what glorious hour of the night is he going to wake up and decide he's slept enough, and what "pre-dawn" hour will be the perfect one to party (party of 1, that is).... I have nooo idea, but I'm in nooo hurry to find out....

I wonder why the guy, Rick, from Living spaces was such an absolute jerk when I called earlier.... I wonder if he was having a bad day or if he's always that rude to customers.... I wonder if people have actually cancelled their orders because of Rick's bad attitude.... I actually re-named him to myself (in my head) when he put me on hold, but it wasn't a very nice name, so I won't share it on here....

I wonder how I ended up with such a great husband who loves me so much and takes suuuuch great care of me without ever complaining, except if he thinks I'm doing too much.... (Well while I'm not feeling well).... Cuz if I DO feel okay, he doesn't mind barking orders, which are usually shot down immediately, just because I don't like being told what to do.... Which probably stems from me having father issues.... Which leads me to wonder how I ended up with him, and how he ended up with me.... Because he really likes to try to tell me what to do, and I really don't like to be told what to do, and we butt heads and most of the time just laugh at how incredibly dysfunctional (but happy) we are.... So I guess I kind of answered my own question there.... For whatever reason God put us together, I'm grateful for it, none-the-less....

I wonder why chocolate chip cookies taste soooo good... And why sweets like this and brownies and chocolate milk taste sooo exceptionally great first thing in the morning....
I WAS going to say "I wonder why these last 20 lbs of weight I want to shed, aren't just running away or shedding," but I think my previous "wonder" answered that question.... Darn.

I wonder why things come in waves.... Why you can feel one way about some certain thing or situation, and in a matter of days, hours, heck, even after hearing a song, why your feelings can completely (and I mean COMPLETELY) change the way you feel ENTIRELY.... I wonder if I am the only one who feels that way....

I wonder why I can't sleep, and why I'm wondering so much.... I wonder why it comes in waves....

are you REALLY THAT surprised?

soooo.... i don't watch a whole lot of TV.... and i don't follow the news very well.... i change the radio station if they start talking.... but i guess there's a buzz about Tiger.... Woods....

so everyone's trying to make a huge deal about him cheating and so many people are getting sooo upset with the news covering celebrities and such....

you may not want to hear it, but here i go anyway....

i think the main reason everyone follows celebrities for the "inside scoop," is because we all have this expectation.... we all have this "understanding" or "belief" that celebrities are some super beings.... that they aren't human, and that they are perfect.... at least that's the image they portray and try to maintain.... and they make a lot of money because of something. tiger is good at golf.... his money should come from golf.... yet most of his money comes from endorsements... a majority of this world are failures.... in fact, if all of us aired out the dirty laundry, there are more failures than anyone would ever admit to.... Tiger is human too. i am NOT, by ANY means, defending such a stupid action as cheating, but oh well. he cheated. it sucks for his wife and kids (later down the road, because, right now, they probably have absolutely no idea what's going on), but whatever. get over it. if she chooses to stay with him, she's stupid. or she's not, whatever.... but that's for HER to decide.... as for the rest of the world.... they just want to know that these "celebrities".... these super "non-human" beings, are, in fact, HUMANS too.... making the same mistakes that many of us wouldn't ever fess up to anyway....

he made poor decisions, just like 99.999999% of the rest of the world....

people want to watch successful people fall apart.... whatever it is, they want to watch them unravel and air out the so called dirty laundry and they want to know that big rich famous people make mistakes too.

hey guess what? i'll let you in on a little secret.... EVERYONE has made mistakes!!!!! whoooooaaa! bet ya didn't see that one coming now did ya?

my goodness! get over it people!!!! or the people who are so irritated with it, QUIT watching and/or listening.... a wise friend brought up a good point.... look at what the media did to the swine flu? blew that sucker waaaaaay outta proportion, right? more people die of the regular "flu" than of the "swine flu."

turn off your TV, put a CD in, instead of listening to radio talk....

make a list of what you need to do and go be productive or something.