I go all in for you.

I go all in for you, friend.
to show you love, with great hopes,
that you'll feel inspired enough,
to pass the love on, you know....

I go all in for you, gram.
to be the strength that you need.
to be your ears that can hear,
and your hope when you plead....

I go all in for you, sis.
I thought you knew that by now,
to be the one you could trust,
to keep you going somehow....

I go all in for you, dad.
because you weren't around.
to know what kind of kid I was,
and who I am now....

I go all in for you, pup,
because I know you can't speak.
I know love and compassion,
are all that you seek....

I go all in for you, stranger.
because what do I know?
maybe just what I have,
is what you need to grow....

I go all in for you, all....
but when I come home,
the ones that mean the most,
are the ones I've left alone....

So, it happened again....

Lots has happened these past few years... but there just hasn't been a whole lot that has moved me a whole lot.... Not enough to sit back down here, consistently, again.....

It was another normal day.... sitting at a desk.... preparing one chart, and another one comes in.... admitting one person, and another comes in.... printing lab results or medical records.... there's always something else to do, and you have very little time to be stopped in your tracks.  There's one after the other and they just keep coming....

But every so often, there will be one that will stand out to you... One that stays on your mind far longer than you thought possible.... or the one that just brings you to tears.... 

I could feel my skin crawl.... it felt almost like chicken skin, but it also felt hot... and it didn't feel like it was on top of my skin, it felt like it was beneath my skin. I felt all fuzzy and like I could barely move....

She came in for a headache.

They're common, you know.... Headaches..... sometimes associated with high blood pressure and such....

Medical field usually does the whole process of elimination thing, right?  You pick some tests and try to eliminate things that it is NOT, so that you can narrow down your choices to find out what it IS.... All doctors do things differently.  

Well, I'm not sure who decided to do the MRI, but with that one test, an entire family's lives were completely flipped upside down.... 

There was a tumor....

For the quick moment in an entirely different department that is mostly happy times, the blow was devastating.... 

It's like the rest of the sounds around me were drowned out by the repetitive thoughts of the years before.... 

Folks used to ask me, "How do you do it? I couldn't ever do it."

You'd be surprised.... There is a lesson in everything....

Those folks don't just need us....

We need them just as much as they need us....

THEY shed light into our lives that we wouldn't see otherwise, unless WE were directly affected by cancer's ugly face....

THEIR lives are completely flipped upside down and inside out and I can only imagine the flood of thoughts that just come POURING in.... thoughts about their family members.... how long they have left... who they'll leave behind.... their kids.... Oh God, their kids.... their poor kids.... 

Don't get me wrong, I love what I do.... I do. Most of the time, there are happy moments, healthy moments, happy parents, happy families.... Moments of celebration, yes....

But there is also another place that I feel like I need to be.... I feel like they need me.... but even more than that, I just might need them more.... I look back at my writings from those years and find that life's blessings were more easily visible.... Life didn't feel like such work, but blessings. How wonderful it would be for everyone to feel that abundance of blessings again..... 

May each and every one of you truly STOP....

Stop in your tracks.....

Look allllll around you.

Take in the sunshine and the beauty it reflects on so many other beautiful things.... like the paint on your car (you are blessed with a vehicle to get you around), the leaves, blowing in the breeze, the ocean water.... oh, the ocean water..... 

Listen to the way your children talk to each other.... Be thankful they can both talk, even if it is to argue.... They can speak and they can understand and they feel.... they have feelings and emotions and a heart that beats....

I'm sitting under the ceiling fan in our bedroom.... sooo thankful for a home.... for a fan.... for a window that overlooks the bright sun shining on these beautiful trees, and my rain gutter planters that my incredible husband built for me because he knew how badly I wanted them....

I have been moved again.

Moved with passion.... 

I am moved.... 

May you be moved to the point of dreaming BIG.....

May you be moved enough to make a move.... 

I am genuinely sending out my love to you folks today.... 

My heart is so full....